Art and Jerry

Above is picture of my maternal grandpa. Art Jr. Eliassen. He died when he was 43, on November 3rd, 1982. This picture was taken two years earlier at my mother and father's wedding. My grandfather took his life. My grandfather had three children, my mother, who was 23, my aunt Jan who was 17, and my Uncle Todd who was 12 at the time of his death. I was 13 months old.  Obviously, I didn't get a chance to get to know my grandpa---however, I love to hear stories about him.

Below is a picture of Jerry Patrick LeDosquet. Jerry took his life, December 27th, 2000. Jerry's daughter, Shelly and I met the summer before first grade and were inseparable. Shelly emailed me the photo below and I have looked at it a million times since.

Jerry, was like a father to me-- I loved him dearly. I had a hard time after Jerry passed. I have probably had a hundred dreams about Jerry during the last 11 years. In these dreams, Jerry is smiling just like he is in the above picture...because that is how I remember him, exactly how he is in the picture. Jerry loved the lake. Jerry's family still has the same boat (not the boat in the picture) that Jerry drove a million times on Lake Sakakawea and now, his family-- Phyllis, Melissa, Shelly, Melissa's husband Will, Jerry's Granddaughter Ella, and Grandson Ethan Patrick ride around on that boat in Minnesota. I learned to water ski behind that boat. Shelly had this to say, "You can not rationalize an irrational act. We love and miss you daddy

Families and friends that have lost their loved ones to suicide want to talk about their loved ones. Families often sense how uncomfortable others are when talking about their family member/friend and they feel as though they can't reminisce, because they, the family and friends, can tell that suddenly people become "odd" or shut down when the name of the person is brought up. This should not be the case and (most of the time), families and friends love to talk about the people they miss everyday of their lives. They need to feel comfortable doing so.

Coping Mechanism

I am enticed by many things to stop sobriety. I'm enticed by, music (all types), Winter days, wedding receptions, Fall days, class reunions (although, I've only been to one), Spring days, fishing, Sundays, funerals, Mondays, arguments, Tuesdays, mean people, Wednesdays, nice people, Thursdays, birthdays, Fridays, trips, Saturdays, shopping, Sundays, and Summer days. The list really could go on for days. I am human after all. I can't control every situation--which, drives me insane, literally, I act like an insane person  when I'm not in control of every situation presented. Ask my husband, like if our grass is starting look browner than I like, I will ask him a million times about the sprinkler system. This need to control everything, combined with my history of depression and anxiety, is the reason I liked alcohol so much. Now, I don't ever get to escape those annoying-- nagging feelings that often overwhelm me. I also don't get to escape situations I have no control over. So today, while being bothered by a situation I had no control over, I decided, I would try a  new coping mechanism. I have tried this new found (self invented) coping mechanism out a few times today, and I am surprised by the success I have had with it. For instance,whenever I had a nagging feeling over a situation I couldn't control, I would bark. Yes, I would bark like my Ruby (my dog). It is a high pitched bark or maybe you could compare it to a high pitched grunt. I did it in a parking lot today and scared a construction worker. I must be creative if I am to survive sober living. Humor gets me through almost every life obstacle there is, but nothing beats a good bark. 

Job Change...Again.

This will be my last week working at the company I am currently employed at. I accepted a position at a cancer center to work as a RN. I am nervous about ANOTHER change. I flipped flopped around so much during the last year wondering where I wanted to work. I first was suppose to work at a women's health clinic. I decided that instead, I would work on an actual labor and delivery unit. However, those 12 hour shifts really were brutal with a husband who is rarely home. I knew that working those 12 hours shifts would be hard, but I needed to give it a try. Then I was going to work a clinic within the hospital and decided, at the last minute, I didn't want to do that either. I was in school getting my bachelor's degree and I was committed to that at the time. I have really enjoyed working in an office environment and learning how an environment like that operates. What I do at the office, is take hand written pieces of paper that truck drivers have filled out, noting the type of sand they hauled and the location from where they loaded to were they unloaded. I put that information into a computer and turn that order into an invoice, which is sent to various companies, so the companies can pay the company for their services. Needless to say, my job has nothing to do with nursing. I am ready to get back into nursing--however, I never thought I would work as an oncology nurse. I wanted to be a labor and delivery nurse, because I related that to happy experiences--after all, you can ask almost any adult with children, when they happiest day of their life was, and they would (I guess most of the time) would say, the day my child or my children were born. Now, I am going to work in an environment where no one wants to be--patient wise. I can't imagine, how scary it must be, to know that you have cancer growing in your body. I do know that I want to be helping people, and I think, I will be.

Boys

January 27th, 2003 Keyton Alan Opsal entered this world. I had him around noon that day. After 19 hours of labor, Keyton's heart rate indicated fetal distress. My doctor decided it was in the best interest of Keyton, to be born via c-section. After having been in labor all day, and me being completely wiped out, it was decided that Keyton would sleep in the nursery. I sensed, even before the nurse took Keyton to the nursery, that something might be abnormal with Keyton's behavior. However, not having had a baby before, I was reassured by a nurse that Keyton's lethargic state, was normal for a baby, and that his lack of appetite was nothing to be concerned about, after all he had entered this world weighing in at 8 pounds, 6 ounces. Not that long ago (from today) I learned that a nurse whom was on duty that night, was charting and something (or someone) prompted her to go over and check on Keyton. Keyton (according to a nurse) seemed "lifeless" lying in his bassinet. He was pale and unresponsive. Alarmed, she ran to get a doctor who happened to be at the labor and delivery unit having delivered another baby just minutes earlier. The doctor tested Keyton's blood sugar which was dangerously low. Keyton was flown to Fargo, ND to where the closest pediatric endocrinologist practiced. Keyton was diagnosed with hypopituitarism. I remember the drive from Williston to Fargo. I was with my parents, as Jesse was able to accompany Keyton on the flight to Fargo. I cried the whole way, wondering what was wrong with my baby, I wondered if my baby was going to live. I remember seeing my father's face in the rear view mirror ( I sat in the back seat of my parent's car) and I saw tears falling down my father's face, which he wiped away with a tissue, trying his hardest to hide those tears that fell from his eyes that were hidden behind his sunglasses. It was the first and the last time I had seen tears fall down my father's face. I credit that nurse on duty that night with saving my son's life. A few months ago, I called her house, I do not know this women, but I had got her name, she was not home. Maybe, I will try again soon. Keyton takes three pills a day and we give him a shot every night. Keyton has had a shot everyday, since he was two weeks old. I remember giving the shot to him when he was an infant and he would cry. He would look at me like, "Why the hell did you do that?" There have been times, when I have had to wrestle him to the ground to give him his shot, actually there have been many wrestling matches between us. Now, he somewhat understands that he needs the medication to help him grow and thrive. Athletes get in big trouble if they get caught using human growth hormone---Keyton kind of gets a kick out of that.

I have told Owen's story before. Owen also had to fight for his life. I love these two little boys.

Keyton and Owen-Easter-2011

Orange Eyebrows.

Keyton and Hal were puppies in the production of 101 Dalmatians tonight.  They did a wonderful job. Tonight, when I was putting pajamas on Owen, I told Keyton and Halee to go into the bath room and try washing off the white and black paint on their faces. I planned on giving them a bath, but I wanted them to start. After I got Owen dressed, I went to check on them, since the water and wash clothes were not working to get the paint off, they were smearing lotion all over their faces. Immediately, I caught a glimpse of my SELF TANNING lotion bottle sitting on the counter. I picked it up and shouted, "I hope this is not what you are using!" With big eyes (really big eyes) they told me they were in deed using my self tanning lotion to get their make up off. I shouted "Oh no!! Now your faces are going to turn orange---probably for a really long time!" Then they both started to cry. They stood there and cried with orange eyebrows. Poor kids. After I regained my composure, I was able to calm them down. They each took a bath and they still have orange eyebrows. Learning experience. 

My kids take part in a program called Community After School Club (CASC). It is a wonderful program and I have been thrilled with it. They were in the 101 Dalmatians, because CASC worked with our community's local theater company, Youth Education on Stage. Both Keyton and Hal enjoyed being part of the play. CASC has provided many great opportunities for my children while both Jesse and I are working, and for that we are thankful. 

Bill

Less than a week, and I will be done with school...probably forever. I can't wait. Right now, I am taking a class called "Ethics in the Workplace" (boring). I am insanely sick of the word ETHIC. I can't count how many classes I have taken and the focus has been on ethics. I just got done with a power point presentation, where my focus was the Sears, Roebuck & Co. Scandal that took place in 1992. My head hurts, I had to answer questions regarding the unethical behavior that occurred. I still don't understand the assignment, but I got it done--over with, and I don't want to pick apart any scandalous behavior in the near future. A week ago, I had to write a  paper on the Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky "scandal". Bill cheated on Hillary, Hillary basically stood by her man, Billy lied and then had to back track, it was all there, in black and white. But, the questions I had to answer for paper were hard to answer. The elements I had to cover within  the paper, related to President Clinton and the former White House intern were as follows, "Clearly define the issue." What seems to be the basis of the issue?" "Identify ground rules that manifested this situation." "What ethical change, deficiency, or conflict brought it about?" Then I had to actually propose a plan for revising the ethical standards to resolve the issue. UMMMMMMMM??? These papers (for this class) have to be at least 1,050 words or more. While writing about President Clinton's infamous extramarital affair, I did bonk myself in the head, repeatedly. I am just glad I have a semi good imagination and can "come up" with enough BS to earn myself an A. Pat on the back. Pat on the back.

Shrink

Jesse, a friend, and I are going to Fargo tomorrow for the day. I am excited to get out this gigantic city trapped inside a small town. Jess is going to fly his brother's airplane and we will get there fast---well as fast as the cute little air plane will go. I am going shopping---mama needs some new clothes. I also get to see my auntie Jan and my Grammy Cheryl---two people I love so much---WINNING!

I wore high heels to work today, and I fell a few times. One of my co-workers said she watched one of the falls out her office window (I was walking/stumbling to my car in the parking lot).

I have been going to Minot to see a shrink...I can call them that I believe---because they shrink negative feelings or at least they are suppose to. I generally don't feel terrible, I just feel yucky and/or anxious. Sometimes, I think that I should just be my own shrink--like I should just talk to myself in the mirror, because I know what I need to hear, I just need to believe it. Honesty is a virtue. I believe that to be a good person you must be honest. Some people say that you can be too honest, yes, yes you can--I believe this--like you shouldn't tell everyone exactly what you are thinking, because just like honesty is a virtue, so is being polite. It is not polite to tell someone that you think their earrings look like little pieces of doggie doo doo hanging from their ear lobes. I suppose you could, if you KNOW the person extremely well and to the point where this is "deemed" acceptable--but it wouldn't be nice to say to the woman or man standing behind you at the super market, "Hey, you look like you have little pieces of doggie doo doo hanging from your ear lobes." I would not be honest if I said I am not nervous about telling people I am going to therapy. In fact, I have only told four people (yes I kept count) and now if You are reading this, I am telling you too. So, now by this time tomorrow, maybe five or six people will know? I don't know. I like talking to a therapist, I can talk and talk and talk and she gives me advice and doesn't just tell me to get over the "things" I can't. She helps. She helps me understand myself, let's face it I'm complicated. Jesse asked me if I lay down on a couch.. I haven't yet, but I think I will during my next session, plus--I will hold a box of tissues against my tummy. Why not?

Like I have stated before in many of my posts, I am proactive when it comes to my mental health. I know what I need, when I need it. What I don't know is, who I need when I need them.