Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Where is My Cell Phone?
We celebrated Owen's birthday on Saturday (April, 9th). He is two! Holy crap, it feels like just the other day, a neonatal nurse was handing me my extremely tiny two-pound-boy to hold for the first time. Man, how I adore my little, handsome, smart, happy, cute, special, little Owen. I am so thankful for you Owen Reed. Yesterday, was what? Monday? Yes, yesterday was Monday. Sunday and Monday were hard days for me. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. Jess left the other day, and I am taking that dumb statistics class. That's right, it is a dumb class. The teacher is irritating me. Every time I asked her a question, she refers me someplace else. Super annoying. I had a paper due yesterday and I was watching another little boy in addition to Owen. Winton ( the little boy I was watching) is awesome, he is so sweet, and he actually keeps Owen entertained, so that made things ( like writing a paper on statistics) a little easier. I am just happy I am not feeling as rough as I was yesterday. In fact, I was so tired that, when I was talking to Jesse on my cell phone, I asked (out loud), " Where is my stupid cell phone" I walked around the house looking for my phone, until Jesse said, "Uh, are you still looking for your cell phone?" Then it clicked, the cell phone was on my ear, I was talking on the stupid thing as I was looking for it. I think Jesse may have been a tad bit worried about me. I haven't had time to do much of anything, like laundry. It is stacked to my ceiling. Oh-well, I guess I will go do a load or 12.
Friday, April 1, 2011
April Fools
I have been busier then usual--and that is all thanks to the BSN program I am currently in. I started a statistics class. Math is not my friend. Math needs to become my friend quickly, or I am going to go insane. The people in the program with me, seem like they are math fanatics--they are constantly confusing me with their mathematical jargon. SARAH DON'T LIKEY. I took Halee and Keyton to "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules". I have written about The Diary of a Wimpy Kid book series that Keyton and I have read together. Greg is the main character in the books and he is a middle schooler, who physically isn't maturing as fast as the other boys his age. His whole goal in life is to be label as "cool". However, unfortunately Greg experiences extremely embarrassing scenarios all too often. There were many middle school kids at the movie tonight. I couldn't help but wonder how much they related to the characters in the movie. I remember middle school, and it was awful. I want to make sure my children are a little more free spirited then Greg. I don't want them to think they need to be anything, but themselves-- just to fit in with the "cool kids". As I was thinking about my children's future experiences in middle school, Keyton interrupted me, he told me his ball exploded. I was a little confused at first, as the movie theater was dark. Keyton had brought a ball with him to the movie. This ball was full of this liquid white stuff. I guess he was picking at the outer most layer and the whole ball exploded and Keyton was covered in the white stuff. Now, I have seen Keyton get embarrassed, but not this embarrassed. He had this white stuff dripping from the beanie he was wearing, he had the white stuff was dripping off of his shirt, and his pants were covered in the white mess. To make the matter worse, the white stuff smelled really bad, like rubber cement. It was an extremely strong odor. People started looking all around to see where this awful stench was coming from. I finally, had to go to the bath room and get a bunch of wet paper towels to wipe down my 8-year-old. After the movie, we ran out of the theater before the lights turned on. I think I need to work with Keyton on his free spiritness. I also think I am all itchy from the gross white stuff that exploded from his toy. I should shower. It is April Fools Day today. I am a huge fan of pranks, but I have not pranked anyone today. I guess I still have some time to think of something. I like to prank Jesse the best. He is a scardy cat. For instance, one night a few years ago, Jesse could not go to sleep- he was tossing and turning and keeping me awake. Finally, he gave up on sleeping and told me he was going to go into the living room. As I laid there, I could not help but jump at the chance to do something to my husband, as he was sitting in the dark living room. I knew Jess had logged onto his laptop-- I knew he was busy browsing the Internet. I carefully crawled from our bedroom to the living room. I crawled behind the recliner. I slowly started pushing the chair so it would rock forward. At first, I rocked the chair slowly, then I rocked it faster, all of a sudden I saw the glow from the lap top, he had turned the lap top computer so that it was facing the chair, which gave off light so he could see the chair actually rocking. There Jesse sat frozen with his lap top pointed towards the chair as it rocked. He sat there for minutes watching in terror as the chair rocked. I sat behind the chair until my giggles finally escaped. I think he called me a few names. I love scared Jesse. However, who is going to protect me if a ghost decided to haunt my house?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Patty's Day
I seen a preview for a movie coming out in July; This movie has Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis ( from "That 70's Show") in it. I can't believe how excited I got while watching the preview. I think the movie is called, "Friends with Benefits" (or something like that). Mila Kunis is so great, I am a humor junkie, and she is funny, SO funny. Justin Timberlake is funny too. Hal and I love the SNL skit, when JT did a music video with Beyonce', "All the Single Ladies" YouTube it, if you have not seen it yet. Seriously.
Tonight, Halee and Keyton went to some raffle basket fundraiser at the school where my mom teaches. They put Owen's name on one of the items, and he won. Owen, won a basket full of summer goodies, including, bubbles, squirt guns, water balloons, side walk chalk, and a plastic ball and bat. An awesome prize to get! However, at 8 pm on a Thursday night, I was not expecting, a water balloon fight, nor did expect getting squirted with a squirt gun. After my mom arrived with the kids (and the basket) she stayed for a few minutes. Upon their arrival, I was completing a homework assignment. All I can remember after them walking in is, myself laying on the floor holding on to my mom's ankles, begging her not to leave me. My mom did her best to comfort me--in her best "motherly soothing" voice she said," Jesse will be home on Thursday." well today is Thursday, which means Jesse will be home in seven days. This attempt at calming me, only made me squeeze on to my mother's ankles tighter.
Today is St. Patty's Day. I am not real into this holiday. It is not as fun as it used to be, like when I could drink a good green beer. Anyways, after picking up my kids from school today, my children were certain, that while we had been gone, leprechauns had broke into our house and messed it up. I guess, at school, some teacher told them a story, where some leprechauns had broken into her house, and left green footprints all over the place and messed up their whole house. Driving back to my house, I felt guilty that I hadn't somehow made little green footprints and messed up my house, so that St.Patty's Day could have met my children's expectations.
Yesterday, I explained how my feet move faster than my torso. I was happy that I finally figured out what was causing my sudden, but not unexpected falls. Yesterday, I thought, I finally solved my issue, because I was determined not to let my feet and legs move so fast. Well, at about ten to eight this morning, while running out to the mail box, I slipped on a patch of ice and biffed it, hard. I was positive for a minute, that I broke my arm. After a shaking my arm for a few seconds, I was relieved that I had not fractured my upper arm. So much for being cautious of the speed of my lower extremities.
Tonight, Halee and Keyton went to some raffle basket fundraiser at the school where my mom teaches. They put Owen's name on one of the items, and he won. Owen, won a basket full of summer goodies, including, bubbles, squirt guns, water balloons, side walk chalk, and a plastic ball and bat. An awesome prize to get! However, at 8 pm on a Thursday night, I was not expecting, a water balloon fight, nor did expect getting squirted with a squirt gun. After my mom arrived with the kids (and the basket) she stayed for a few minutes. Upon their arrival, I was completing a homework assignment. All I can remember after them walking in is, myself laying on the floor holding on to my mom's ankles, begging her not to leave me. My mom did her best to comfort me--in her best "motherly soothing" voice she said," Jesse will be home on Thursday." well today is Thursday, which means Jesse will be home in seven days. This attempt at calming me, only made me squeeze on to my mother's ankles tighter.
Today is St. Patty's Day. I am not real into this holiday. It is not as fun as it used to be, like when I could drink a good green beer. Anyways, after picking up my kids from school today, my children were certain, that while we had been gone, leprechauns had broke into our house and messed it up. I guess, at school, some teacher told them a story, where some leprechauns had broken into her house, and left green footprints all over the place and messed up their whole house. Driving back to my house, I felt guilty that I hadn't somehow made little green footprints and messed up my house, so that St.Patty's Day could have met my children's expectations.
Yesterday, I explained how my feet move faster than my torso. I was happy that I finally figured out what was causing my sudden, but not unexpected falls. Yesterday, I thought, I finally solved my issue, because I was determined not to let my feet and legs move so fast. Well, at about ten to eight this morning, while running out to the mail box, I slipped on a patch of ice and biffed it, hard. I was positive for a minute, that I broke my arm. After a shaking my arm for a few seconds, I was relieved that I had not fractured my upper arm. So much for being cautious of the speed of my lower extremities.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My feet move faster than my torso
I think I have discovered why I fall down so much. I am pretty sure, my legs and feet move faster than my torso. Today, after I fell down, I sat on the floor and I had a "moment". I took a few minutes to evaluate why I fell down. Generally, when I fall down, I jump right back up, even if I am in an immense amount of pain. After such trips or falls or what have you, I always continue on to where ever it was I was going. Back in high school, I used to fall down every time I went up the stairs, and by the middle of my freshmen year, no one even stopped to laugh, because the people knew I did it every hour. My mom used to say, she knew it was was me coming in the front door, because she would hear, foot step, foot step, foot step, followed by a thunk, followed by more foot steps. Well, today I finally figured out why I fall down so damn much. My legs and feet move faster than my torso ( I know I just repeated myself). I am just glad there is a real reason why I fall down. I am not dizzy, I don't have "disturbed" equilibrium, and I am not on any prescription medication that would cause delirium. Today, I actually watched my legs and feet suddenly start running, literally right from underneath me.
For many, many years I have thought that I should be a vegetarian. Not because I think it is "cool" and not because I don't believe in hunting or whatever. I just have always been disgusted with the thought of eating any form of meat. Well, I think my time has come, I have not been able to eat meat for the last couple of days. I just can't. I found myself gagging on some hamburger the other night. I tried to eat some chicken, and I ended up eating around it. Meat officially makes me nauseous. I wonder if I am a vegetarian now? I wonder if I am heading towards vegan? Everything, including cheese is grossing me out. The milk in my cereal this morning, had me quivering. I'm scared. And no, I am not pregnant.
Jesse is gone. I wish I could tell you who he flies, but I can't. The people on his flight today are well known in the fitness world. Many infomercials on TV to-date, are advertising these clients' fitness regimens. I asked Jesse if these people were in good shape, all he said was, "They are not fat." I have tried one of the videos in a series that these people produce, and it kicked my butt. I wonder if Jesse got any good fitness pointers from these people today? An interesting job my husband has. As a pilot, Jesse is wonderful--he is really good--I swear. Jesse's brother bought a plane last spring, and if you want, Jesse will take you for a ride-- he will.
I don't really care for tradition. I mean, I like tradition in some senses, but I think there is a difference in taking part of a tradition because you want to, and taking part of a tradition because you feel like you should. For instance, I hate cooking--I make three dishes. So to have dinner ready and waiting for my husband at 5 o'clock, doesn't typically happen. I also don't like the idea of doing certain things, because it is expected of me, things like, baking a cake, ironing, sewing, or cutting my kids' hair, or what have you. Tradition is probably the wrong word to use--but, traditionally, the things I stated above, are tasks that the woman typically did ( in like 1960). I know many people who can cook, bake, sew, and cut hair, AND they do it good. I don't know if deep down I wish I could do these things, but, I have tried and I don't enjoy them, and I lack the skills needed to accomplish these tasks. When it comes to ironing, I ask, "Who needs to iron, when you can throw a wet sock in the dryer with the wrinkly clothes?" My mother-in-law can sew--and she is gifted--she made my wedding dress, now that would be an awesome thing to be able to do. I took a sewing class in high school when I was a senior, when graduation came, I was failing the class, thank God, Mrs. Demars was nice enough to let me come back to school for a whole two weeks after graduation, to finish a dress, that I never wore or showed to anyone.
For many, many years I have thought that I should be a vegetarian. Not because I think it is "cool" and not because I don't believe in hunting or whatever. I just have always been disgusted with the thought of eating any form of meat. Well, I think my time has come, I have not been able to eat meat for the last couple of days. I just can't. I found myself gagging on some hamburger the other night. I tried to eat some chicken, and I ended up eating around it. Meat officially makes me nauseous. I wonder if I am a vegetarian now? I wonder if I am heading towards vegan? Everything, including cheese is grossing me out. The milk in my cereal this morning, had me quivering. I'm scared. And no, I am not pregnant.
Jesse is gone. I wish I could tell you who he flies, but I can't. The people on his flight today are well known in the fitness world. Many infomercials on TV to-date, are advertising these clients' fitness regimens. I asked Jesse if these people were in good shape, all he said was, "They are not fat." I have tried one of the videos in a series that these people produce, and it kicked my butt. I wonder if Jesse got any good fitness pointers from these people today? An interesting job my husband has. As a pilot, Jesse is wonderful--he is really good--I swear. Jesse's brother bought a plane last spring, and if you want, Jesse will take you for a ride-- he will.
I don't really care for tradition. I mean, I like tradition in some senses, but I think there is a difference in taking part of a tradition because you want to, and taking part of a tradition because you feel like you should. For instance, I hate cooking--I make three dishes. So to have dinner ready and waiting for my husband at 5 o'clock, doesn't typically happen. I also don't like the idea of doing certain things, because it is expected of me, things like, baking a cake, ironing, sewing, or cutting my kids' hair, or what have you. Tradition is probably the wrong word to use--but, traditionally, the things I stated above, are tasks that the woman typically did ( in like 1960). I know many people who can cook, bake, sew, and cut hair, AND they do it good. I don't know if deep down I wish I could do these things, but, I have tried and I don't enjoy them, and I lack the skills needed to accomplish these tasks. When it comes to ironing, I ask, "Who needs to iron, when you can throw a wet sock in the dryer with the wrinkly clothes?" My mother-in-law can sew--and she is gifted--she made my wedding dress, now that would be an awesome thing to be able to do. I took a sewing class in high school when I was a senior, when graduation came, I was failing the class, thank God, Mrs. Demars was nice enough to let me come back to school for a whole two weeks after graduation, to finish a dress, that I never wore or showed to anyone.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Friends
Oh what a few couple of days I have had. Owen is sick. He is coughing constantly. I am in rough shape from not sleeping...I know, poor me. You know me, I need my sleep, or I function at a 7 year-old level.
I had a powerpoint presentation due last night. I had to have it completed and submitted before midnight, actually, before 2 am, since I am running on Phoenix time ( my school is in Phoenix). Poor Owen woke up as I was just finishing up the presentation, I was literally on the count down and needed to complete the assignment. Since O is sick he wanted to cuddle--I didn't even get an opportunity to give the presentation a final read through, before I gave into my baby's cries. I just pushed submit. I am curious what the grade I will be given is.
Tonight, no homework for me. Owen is already tucked in for the night. I am going to put Keyton and Hal to bed in little bit. I can't wait to making a running leap for my bed.
Yesterday, I got a phone call from a special friend. My friend Shelly called and we talked and talked and talked. Shelly and I became friends the summer before first grade. We were instantly inseparable. After high school, Shelly, left for college, I stayed in Williston for my first year of college and we would see each other and talk to each other as often as we could. As years went by, and I had my family, we stopped talking as much as we would like. However, Shell holds this special spot in my heart, and no one can ever replace it. I love her like family. I still think one day we will live next door to each other and play cards every evening.
Another friend that I love and adore is my friend Amber Dawn. She is actually traveling the world right now. She is like a zillion miles away--it kind of knocks the wind out of me when I think about how far away she is. Amber, has tried to call me a few times, but I keep missing her phone calls. Today, on facebook, she said she is going to de-friend me, since I don't answer my phone when she calls. Amber, my phone is by my side at all times now. Call me, again! I love you and miss you!! Amber and I also share an unique bond--even though we have lived hundreds of miles apart for some time, we still have the strongest connection. I can't wait to see where she ends up so I know where I will be visiting!
I had a powerpoint presentation due last night. I had to have it completed and submitted before midnight, actually, before 2 am, since I am running on Phoenix time ( my school is in Phoenix). Poor Owen woke up as I was just finishing up the presentation, I was literally on the count down and needed to complete the assignment. Since O is sick he wanted to cuddle--I didn't even get an opportunity to give the presentation a final read through, before I gave into my baby's cries. I just pushed submit. I am curious what the grade I will be given is.
Tonight, no homework for me. Owen is already tucked in for the night. I am going to put Keyton and Hal to bed in little bit. I can't wait to making a running leap for my bed.
Yesterday, I got a phone call from a special friend. My friend Shelly called and we talked and talked and talked. Shelly and I became friends the summer before first grade. We were instantly inseparable. After high school, Shelly, left for college, I stayed in Williston for my first year of college and we would see each other and talk to each other as often as we could. As years went by, and I had my family, we stopped talking as much as we would like. However, Shell holds this special spot in my heart, and no one can ever replace it. I love her like family. I still think one day we will live next door to each other and play cards every evening.
Another friend that I love and adore is my friend Amber Dawn. She is actually traveling the world right now. She is like a zillion miles away--it kind of knocks the wind out of me when I think about how far away she is. Amber, has tried to call me a few times, but I keep missing her phone calls. Today, on facebook, she said she is going to de-friend me, since I don't answer my phone when she calls. Amber, my phone is by my side at all times now. Call me, again! I love you and miss you!! Amber and I also share an unique bond--even though we have lived hundreds of miles apart for some time, we still have the strongest connection. I can't wait to see where she ends up so I know where I will be visiting!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wallets
Jesse is home--I guess he has been home for a couple of days, but I love it when he is home.
Jesse's parents leave to go back to Arizona early tomorrow morning. I know they are excited to get back to the weather, but I am going to miss them when they leave. They are so much fun, and anyone who knows my father-in-law Erv, knows that he is one of the funniest people on the planet. Not only is Erv funny, but he is also one of the most generous man I have ever known. He loves his grand children. Sue, (Jesse's mom) is also the best mother-in-law I could have ever gotten. I can't wait until they come back this spring!
The other day, I asked Hal what she wanted to be when she grew up, her answer,"Up, down, all around, what does it matter?" I am curious to see where she ends up as grown woman--although, I can't even imagine Hal all grown up. I guess I will have to move with her where ever she moves, because she really is my main source of entertainment.
On Saturday night the kids, Jesse and I were watching (on TV) the ceremony that took place after the ND boy's state hockey tournament. The guys who got second place were each handed little black plaques. Jesse and I over heard Keyton tell his sister and his little cousin, (Landon) that the boys were receiving wallets. Hal also chimed in and added, "Yeah, they are getting little black wallets." Seriously, the things kids say and think are fantastic. Wallets? Jesse did explain that what the boys were getting were little plaques not wallets. I guess they thought the plaques looked like Jesse's little black wallet, which at the time was funny---as I am writing this I see that this event is not nearly as funny as it was on Saturday night, however I am not going to delete, as I am tired and I don't feel like deleting.
Jesse's parents leave to go back to Arizona early tomorrow morning. I know they are excited to get back to the weather, but I am going to miss them when they leave. They are so much fun, and anyone who knows my father-in-law Erv, knows that he is one of the funniest people on the planet. Not only is Erv funny, but he is also one of the most generous man I have ever known. He loves his grand children. Sue, (Jesse's mom) is also the best mother-in-law I could have ever gotten. I can't wait until they come back this spring!
The other day, I asked Hal what she wanted to be when she grew up, her answer,"Up, down, all around, what does it matter?" I am curious to see where she ends up as grown woman--although, I can't even imagine Hal all grown up. I guess I will have to move with her where ever she moves, because she really is my main source of entertainment.
On Saturday night the kids, Jesse and I were watching (on TV) the ceremony that took place after the ND boy's state hockey tournament. The guys who got second place were each handed little black plaques. Jesse and I over heard Keyton tell his sister and his little cousin, (Landon) that the boys were receiving wallets. Hal also chimed in and added, "Yeah, they are getting little black wallets." Seriously, the things kids say and think are fantastic. Wallets? Jesse did explain that what the boys were getting were little plaques not wallets. I guess they thought the plaques looked like Jesse's little black wallet, which at the time was funny---as I am writing this I see that this event is not nearly as funny as it was on Saturday night, however I am not going to delete, as I am tired and I don't feel like deleting.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
McDonalds
It is only 7:30 pm, and Keyton is done with his reading and spelling homework--phew. Keyton has struggled with reading since, well, since he has started reading. I see Keyton's progress. He read me a book beyond what his supposed reading level is tonight. I ordered a few books from his last book order and he brought them home from school today. He read to me tonight, The Diary of a Worm. He read it ALL by himself--I actually had tears flowing down my face. Keyton is an amazing child and knowing that he struggles, with any aspect of his life, hurts. He was so proud of himself when he finished this book tonight. Keyton, I am proud of you, you work hard and I see your progress.
I started my first day of class today. It is fun communicating with my classmates via the internet. During this first week of class, as part of our participation, we are expected to post our "biographies". As I read my fellow classmates biographies, I picture what he or she might look like. While reading this one woman's biography I was thrown for a loop--this woman wrote that she has six children, whose ages range from 21 to 9, and last year she had a procedure done to reverse a tubal ligation (tubes tied) she had done a few years ago. She stated that she was in the midst of trying to conceive another child--for some reason I keep picturing a woman with long blond hair who wears glasses. I don't know why or how these images form in my head. I was surprised with the detail this woman gave in her biography, usually, people stick to the basics in their nursing life scenarios, like, how long they have been nurses, what type of nursing they do, and where they eventually would like to take their nursing careers. This woman (with the six children, who is trying to produce one more) is also a nurse manager on a nursing floor. I thought I was busy, I guess, I could be busier.
I watched my friend Heidi's other daughter today, Cambree. She is nine-months-old. For the first part of the morning Cambree looked terrified of me. I tried with all my power to make her smile--every time I said, "Hi", she burst into tears. Finally, she warmed up and we were friends, again.
Jesse will be home on Thursday. He said he had to fly across the country a few times today. I guess I will see where he is when he calls me tonight.
I went to McDonalds the other day, (it is one of the only places to take your kids in Williston) and there were some other mothers there, I got the feeling they were talking about me, as one of the women had her hands up, so you couldn't see her mouth moving (even though she was already whispering). I was having a paranoid type of day I guess. As mothers and women I think we try our hardest to be accepted and sometimes we aren't, which is okay. It really is okay. I try to treat others as I want to be treated, it is all I can do. When I was younger, I really struggled with not being accepted by people. I obsessed over someone not liking me. After I got sober, and was able to focus on what is important in life, I quit caring about what everyone thinks or has thought about me. I pushed all those times in high school and the many times in my early twenties out the window--the times when someone had somehow degraded me and the times when someone had said things to hurt me. Therefore, the other day I was surprised I had these paranoid thoughts--I guess at times, it is only human to wonder? When a person starts a treatment program (for whatever), one of the hardest obstacles to overcome is to be able to obtain self forgiveness. It takes a lot of time and effort to forgive yourself, with the choices and mistakes that were made while under the influence--but after you are able to get rid of the shame, life really gets wonderful. I don't think anyone can understand what I am talking about, unless they lived a life that wasn't the life they had meant to live. One of my counselors at the treatment center I went to, had us (on the first day we started treatment) write a letter to ourselves. In this letter we had to write where we wanted to see ourselves in one year from then, we addressed it, and then the counselor would send the letter to us one year later. I remember when I received that letter, I didn't remember what I had written at the time, but everything I had written was what I had. I had wanted to free myself from all guilt and shame that had been following me for years, I wanted to be able to hold my head high, I wanted to be the best mother I could be for my children....blah blah blah. It was an amazing feeling reading that letter realizing that all that I had written had come true. I wish the same sort of happiness on everyone and anyone who may be not be feeling the greatest. Life is what we make it, we do have control over our own happiness.
I started my first day of class today. It is fun communicating with my classmates via the internet. During this first week of class, as part of our participation, we are expected to post our "biographies". As I read my fellow classmates biographies, I picture what he or she might look like. While reading this one woman's biography I was thrown for a loop--this woman wrote that she has six children, whose ages range from 21 to 9, and last year she had a procedure done to reverse a tubal ligation (tubes tied) she had done a few years ago. She stated that she was in the midst of trying to conceive another child--for some reason I keep picturing a woman with long blond hair who wears glasses. I don't know why or how these images form in my head. I was surprised with the detail this woman gave in her biography, usually, people stick to the basics in their nursing life scenarios, like, how long they have been nurses, what type of nursing they do, and where they eventually would like to take their nursing careers. This woman (with the six children, who is trying to produce one more) is also a nurse manager on a nursing floor. I thought I was busy, I guess, I could be busier.
I watched my friend Heidi's other daughter today, Cambree. She is nine-months-old. For the first part of the morning Cambree looked terrified of me. I tried with all my power to make her smile--every time I said, "Hi", she burst into tears. Finally, she warmed up and we were friends, again.
Jesse will be home on Thursday. He said he had to fly across the country a few times today. I guess I will see where he is when he calls me tonight.
I went to McDonalds the other day, (it is one of the only places to take your kids in Williston) and there were some other mothers there, I got the feeling they were talking about me, as one of the women had her hands up, so you couldn't see her mouth moving (even though she was already whispering). I was having a paranoid type of day I guess. As mothers and women I think we try our hardest to be accepted and sometimes we aren't, which is okay. It really is okay. I try to treat others as I want to be treated, it is all I can do. When I was younger, I really struggled with not being accepted by people. I obsessed over someone not liking me. After I got sober, and was able to focus on what is important in life, I quit caring about what everyone thinks or has thought about me. I pushed all those times in high school and the many times in my early twenties out the window--the times when someone had somehow degraded me and the times when someone had said things to hurt me. Therefore, the other day I was surprised I had these paranoid thoughts--I guess at times, it is only human to wonder? When a person starts a treatment program (for whatever), one of the hardest obstacles to overcome is to be able to obtain self forgiveness. It takes a lot of time and effort to forgive yourself, with the choices and mistakes that were made while under the influence--but after you are able to get rid of the shame, life really gets wonderful. I don't think anyone can understand what I am talking about, unless they lived a life that wasn't the life they had meant to live. One of my counselors at the treatment center I went to, had us (on the first day we started treatment) write a letter to ourselves. In this letter we had to write where we wanted to see ourselves in one year from then, we addressed it, and then the counselor would send the letter to us one year later. I remember when I received that letter, I didn't remember what I had written at the time, but everything I had written was what I had. I had wanted to free myself from all guilt and shame that had been following me for years, I wanted to be able to hold my head high, I wanted to be the best mother I could be for my children....blah blah blah. It was an amazing feeling reading that letter realizing that all that I had written had come true. I wish the same sort of happiness on everyone and anyone who may be not be feeling the greatest. Life is what we make it, we do have control over our own happiness.
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