God

Previously, I had promised a picture of Hal from her last day of preschool. Here are a couple of pictures from her "end of the year spring program". The program consisted of fun songs and dancing. It was adorable of course. Hal is tiny for her age, so to see her in the front of the gymnasium between the children is sort of alarming. I am short, Jesse is short, so what should I expect? If you look closely at the top picture ( it is blurry-sorry), you can see how short Hal is compared to the other children her age.

At the moment I can hear Hal and Keyton playing Mario Kart on the Wii. It is funny to listen to them play this game together. I have heard Hal say a couple of times, " This is absolutely tricky!" Followed by her brother's giggles. Oh now I am hearing yelling. Yes, indeed they are now yelling at each other. Maybe, the brother/sister bonding isn't going as smoothly as it was a few minutes ago.

Tomorrow morning we have a home viewing scheduled. Keep your fingers crossed.

It was a rainy day today. I took a nap with Owen. I slept way too long. Jesse is home so I can sneak naps in. I love to sleep. I sleep way to much sometimes. I think I sleep to avoid doing or thinking things I don't want to do or think about. My mother once told me that I can sleep when I am dead. I do not like this logic. I think that if you sleep when you are dead you will miss out on this thing they call heaven. I don't think sleeping goes on up there.

I believe with my whole heart there is a higher being. I believe that, because I don't believe that this beautiful life could have been created without a helping hand. I have been reading a story bible book to Hal at night. I am going to be honest when I say I have a tough time reading these stories within this book. These stories come from the bible, but are written in a way so that children as young as five can understand them. While reading it the other day, I was questioning these stories. I thought man, these stories seem sort of hard to believe. I struggle with the creation part. How Adam and Eve were placed on this earth and were responsible for populating it. I also struggle with the fact that a serpent encouraged Eve to eat an apple, and then convinced Adam to eat the forbidden fruit-- and then God appears and says that he is disappointed in the two of them for disobeying him---he is now going to make life difficult for them. Soon Adam and Eve are embarrassed because they have no clothes on. It can get confusing can't it? I know people who's faith is amazing. They do not question the bible. They just simply believe. I find myself scared that my questioning is going to send me straight to hell. I was telling my mother about these thoughts I have today, after I finished telling her how confused I was, I told her I needed to go to church. She laughed, but I think its true--that I need to go to church. I am scared of church--this is hard to explain. I pray daily. I pray to a God that I know exists. I pray often-- I am ever so thankful for this life I have been given. I ask for protection. I even have conversations with God. I know there is a God. Its the tricky bible stuff I have trouble with. I had a very inspirational experience about five years ago that happened within a church. I have only told a couple of people about this. I was in the midst of having a difficult time and I asked God for some guidance. I asked him some very specific things. I went to church that same day. At church that morning, there happened to be a group which had traveled from some place else. The group was there to sing for the congregation. I think they were an acapella group. I remember when they started to sing, every thing around me stopped. I listened to the words coming out of these singers mouths and I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe my ears. The words they were singing--- perfectly recited the exact words I had just uttered to God only a hour before. Word for word. This might not sound so wonderful or magical. Magical is the word I use to describe this experience. I remember sitting next to my children, my mother, and my father, and I was crying. The tears were flowing down my face. My breath had been taken away. I have tried to find the lyrics to this song, without success. I can't remember what I had asked God about that day, and I do not remember the words that were sung. What I don't need is help from anyone to figure this all out. I would like to continue to figure it out on my own. I had a dream after my Grandma Christine died. This dream was only a couple of weeks after her death. I dreamt that we were in some sort of big room. She for some odd reason was wearing all black. She looked wonderful though. She had a big smile on her face. She didn't have to say anything. She just smiled. I woke feeling very happy and refreshed. My grandma had came to say good bye. I keep meaning to ask my cousins if they have had any dreams similar to this. It would be interesting if they had. All I know for sure is that life is amazing. I am incredibly thankful for all of the love in my life.