McDonalds

It is only 7:30 pm, and Keyton is done with his reading and spelling homework--phew. Keyton has struggled with reading since, well, since he has started reading. I see Keyton's progress. He read me a book beyond what his supposed reading level is tonight. I ordered a few books from his last book order and he brought them home from school today. He read to me tonight, The Diary of a Worm. He read it ALL by himself--I actually had tears flowing down my face. Keyton is an amazing child and knowing that he struggles, with any aspect of his life, hurts. He was so proud of himself when he finished this book tonight. Keyton, I am proud of you, you work hard and I see your progress.

I started my first day of class today. It is fun communicating with my classmates via the internet. During this first week of class, as part of our participation, we are expected to post our "biographies". As I read my fellow classmates biographies, I picture what he or she might look like. While reading this one woman's biography I was thrown for a loop--this woman wrote that she has six children, whose ages range from 21 to 9, and last year she had a procedure done to reverse a tubal ligation (tubes tied) she had done a few years ago. She stated that she was in the midst of trying to conceive another child--for some reason I keep picturing a woman with long blond hair who wears glasses. I don't know why or how these images form in my head. I was surprised with the detail this woman gave in her biography, usually, people stick to the basics in their nursing life scenarios, like, how long they have been nurses, what type of nursing they do, and where they eventually would like to take their nursing careers. This woman (with the six children, who is trying to produce one more) is also a nurse manager on a nursing floor. I thought I was busy, I guess, I could be busier.

I watched my friend Heidi's other daughter today, Cambree. She is nine-months-old. For the first part of the morning Cambree looked terrified of me. I tried with all my power to make her smile--every time I said, "Hi", she burst into tears. Finally, she warmed up and we were friends, again.

Jesse will be home on Thursday. He said he had to fly across the country a few times today. I guess I will see where he is when he calls me tonight.

I went to McDonalds the other day, (it is one of the only places to take your kids in Williston) and there were some other mothers there, I got the feeling they were talking about me, as one of the women had her hands up, so you couldn't see her mouth moving (even though she was already whispering). I was having a paranoid type of day I guess. As mothers and women I think we try our hardest to be accepted and sometimes we aren't, which is okay. It really is okay. I try to treat others as I want to be treated, it is all I can do. When I was younger, I really struggled with not being accepted by people. I obsessed over someone not liking me. After I got sober, and was able to focus on what is important in life, I quit caring about what everyone thinks or has thought about me. I pushed all those times in high school and the many times in my early twenties out the window--the times when someone had somehow degraded me and the times when someone had said things to hurt me. Therefore, the other day I was surprised I had these paranoid thoughts--I guess at times, it is only human to wonder? When a person starts a treatment program (for whatever), one of the hardest obstacles to overcome is to be able to obtain self forgiveness. It takes a lot of time and effort to forgive yourself, with the choices and mistakes that were made while under the influence--but after you are able to get rid of the shame, life really gets wonderful. I don't think anyone can understand what I am talking about, unless they lived a life that wasn't the life they had meant to live. One of my counselors at the treatment center I went to, had us (on the first day we started treatment) write a letter to ourselves. In this letter we had to write where we wanted to see ourselves in one year from then, we addressed it, and then the counselor would send the letter to us one year later. I remember when I received that letter, I didn't remember what I had written at the time, but everything I had written was what I had. I had wanted to free myself from all guilt and shame that had been following me for years, I wanted to be able to hold my head high, I wanted to be the best mother I could be for my children....blah blah blah. It was an amazing feeling reading that letter realizing that all that I had written had come true. I wish the same sort of happiness on everyone and anyone who may be not be feeling the greatest. Life is what we make it, we do have control over our own happiness.