Weak?

I'm weak. I am not strong like the lady in the above picture. I have gained some much needed strength over the last couple of months, by pushing hospital gurneys around well...a hospital. This is a huge feat, many of the people I push are much larger than myself, but even the smallest person, on those beds, are hard to push specifically for a person with my lack of muscles. I have no upper body muscle, so all of the pushing I do, comes from my legs, and I often look silly doing a full on squat- run behind not only hospital gurneys, but also full on hospital sized beds. For one, when I am doing the squat run, I can't see over the head of the bed...and for two well, there isn't really a two, just a one. I have started to do push-ups at night to try gain  strength in my upper body area. I always ask for help, and only once or twice have I pushed a hospital gurney by myself. But, I think I am really no help at all, to the people who are helping me push.

Sometimes, I wonder if my lack of physical strength goes along with my lack of mental strength. I'm not always in a lull. But, I'm often in a lull (as I have written about too many times in the past). However, for me it's important to share with people how I feel, because to often people think they are all alone in feeling a certain way, which does not include sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops. This lack of happiness if you will, is a huge burden-- I have a family who is counting on me--I have children who need my attention, and when my mind starts to wonder, it takes a lot of mental power for me to turn off or turn away from THE "blah feeling". I easily get hung up on elements within the world I can't control. I easily let others have power over me. Recently, I had to ask...well...myself, why I let people or certain elements in this world have power over me.  Another question that I've had to ask myself, is why I feel like I NEED the approval of others. Obviously, there are people's opinions I value. But, if I feel that what I have done, or how I acted in a certain situation, was the right way to act and I honestly believe that, even though others may not approve, shouldn't I be able to move on--and not dwell? Yes, I should, the answer is obvious. But, only recently, (like the last few days), have I understood this (I should say started to understand this). Distancing myself from a broad spectrum of what I feel has been unhealthy habits, people, or thought processes will not only help me shake some of the blues away, but will allow me to thrive. The other day, I sat with two of my dear friends and I cried. I cried because I was sad. I cried because I was overwhelmed. After I left them, I felt stupid because I let them see me with my guard down and I let them see how weak I was. However, these two people love me, and I after I stopped kicking myself for letting them see me cry, I was able to recognize that the look they had in their eyes was love. They didn't want to see me hurting, just as I wouldn't want to see them hurting. I believe there are many people in this world that love me that I have not given credit to. It warms my heart to finally be able to start "seeing" this. My husband can read me like a book. He knows me better than I know myself. He has from day one, believed in me. We all have people in our lives that believe in us. Therefore, I encourage all of you (if you is anyone, since I am writing to myself here) to acknowledge those that believe in you. Because, far to often (well in my world) we get so caught up in those who do not believe in us that we don't give credit to the ones do. Thank you for believing in me. Love, Sarah.