I used to hold people to a certain level of expectation. Not anymore--that's too much. I've learned not to expect anything from anyone. If I don't expect, I don't get disappointed. Obviously, this is not entirely true. I hold my children to a certain level of expectations--and that can't change, or I'll disappoint them. I expect my husband to continue to be the man he already is--a kind gentle soul.
When you stop expecting, you stop being disappointed. I think it's okay to say (even though it's awkward) I trust few. I've trusted and I've confided in too many people. I'm a talker--and now I've turned down the dial (well audibly).
My mom started to tell me a story tonight, but then she stopped, because she knew the plot would burden me. I get invested--I feel for those who are hurting--and this has been something of an actual problem for me. I'm too sensitive? Yes! That's it! And yes, it can be a problem-- because people are aware (of my problem) and they can't tell me stories, for fear that I will dwell. I've been lied to, which I do give credit to those who did this to save me from anguish.
I've tried all sorts of numbing techniques--and that's exactly what those techniques were and continue to be. Medication can be helpful, but they also can be awful. "Give em a pill--that will relax the anxiety ridden!" Well, dude, those anti-anxiety pills are bad for people like me, who want to be numb, because what we are feeling are real feelings, that need to be dealt with. Now, I'm not saying that every pill is that way---just certain medications, because after a time, your body builds up a level of tolerance, and then you need more, more, more! I'm not talking about anti-depressants, those things are great (in my opinion)--and many times are life saving. In certain situations, anti-anxiety medications are needed--and can be life saving as well (but not for me--I think we're clear on that now).
The only possible good quality of being overly sensitive, is that I can be sensitive to others. I can help those who want help. I'm not worried (strange, me not worried?) what people think about me, talking about myself, not being a happy hoppy little rainbow jolly farmer all the time. What I want, is for people to know that if they feel sad, and they too don't feel like a sunny ray of hot pink sunshine at all times, it's okay. If they too, feel like they have a very very small circle of people to whom they can turn to, they are not alone. It's okay to reach out --I will not judge you. I will not label you.
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