Blessed?

Anyone who has read my writings, know I'm open about my personal struggles with depression and anxiety. I'm open, because I want others who may be struggling from time to time, with similar feelings, to know their really not alone with this. I talk about my decision to stop drinking alcohol, because again, I know there are people who can relate to the struggles associated with drinking #drinkingproblems# (I just felt like trying hash tags--it was a sudden--overwhelming compulsion). I appreciate any feedback my entries get, unless the feedback is mean or stupid, then I banish them from my life #justkidding# (whoops hash tags, sorry---I don't twitter). Awhile ago after I'd posted an entry, touching on these very topics, I saw a Facebook post in my new's feed, which said something like this, "A friend of mine has to use so many tools just to be happy, she truly does have a chemical imbalance--Feeling blessed, because I can get out of bed everyday feeling happy." I read it, and I was like, is this person talking about me? I mean, how do you know? People are vague with such posts, and you don't know their intentions--you don't hear their tone. It's impossible to distinguish human tone through verbal messages exchanged through forms such as emails, texts, and social media. The person who posted this, left the post up long enough, so that some saw what she wrote and she later deleted the post. I do think she was feeling a moment of gratitude and her intention was not meant to be cruel. But--this is what I want to know, why use the word blessed? Was I cursed? Was I cursed with depression--do people think those who struggle are being punished for something? I know, for the most part, the answer is no, people use the word blessed because, it's a way of showing appreciation. And, I am in no means the word police--I mean--ask my husband, he tells me EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, "Stop--saying those words, you sound like a trucker... for the love of God-- why does my wife talk like a drunken sailor?!?!....shhhhhh, people might hear you Sarah!"

People who intentionally hurt others, (I'm talking emotionally) scare me (well, physically hurting others is really freaking scary too...I don't like violence). The fact that others do things and say things knowingly to hurt others, blows my mind. I'm not saying the Facebook post I mentioned above, was directly aimed at me, nor am I saying it was intended to hurt. I did think the timing of her post, was suspicious, and again, I believe this person was expressing an appreciation for her mental health. As we know, when using social media, we must take what others say with a grain of salt. And I'm putting myself out there to be ridiculed,  by writing about my life. I don't think God blesses people by giving them freedom from certain conditions/illnesses, while at the same time others are suffering from illnesses and sicknesses.

I have one child who takes three medications to survive, why was he not blessed with perfect health? Have I wondered this question thousands of times? Yes, of course. I remember sitting in the NICU after Keyton was born and pleading with God, to forgive me, for what ever I had done, to deserve the pain that my son and I were experiencing at the time. I was so young, I had such a heavy heart, I thought, I was being punished. I have to give my son an injection every day--every day he hurts, because the medication stings.When Keyton was two-weeks-old, my husband and I were taught how to give Keyton his injections. I was 21 and Jess was 24. We learned on an orange. The first injection I gave Keyton was the night before he was discharged from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Imagine how it would feel to poke your sleeping newborn baby with a needle..it sucked. And it continues to suck, having to poke Keyton every day for the last 11 years-- it never gets any easier. He still needs a couple of minutes before we inject him, he has to do deep breathing, he picks the site, and as we hold the plunger of the medication down for the ten seconds it takes, to be sure all the medication has been administered, he still squeezes his eyes shut and says, "Owe, Owe, Owe.". There are people who have lost babies and children--and I could say that I'm blessed that my children are all here with me today, but to me that isn't fair--because what about those whose children are not? I don't feel like I was blessed and for some reason those who lost a child were not. I understand the significance of the word "blessed", and I'm not uber sensitive to it, but I do think when using the word, it would be nice, if people thought a second before using it--because it does make those--who weren't fortunate enough to have what others have--feel a bit of wonder--and even a sense of significant sadness.

Sitting Still

Tadasana- According to Wikipedia (my go to for definitions) is, "The basic standing asana in most forms of yoga with feet together and hands at the sides of the body." Asana-- ( thanks Wikipedia) "Is, a body position, typically associated with yoga originally identified as the mastery of sitting still." Anyways, the above terms are closely related to the only two poses I did a few nights ago at a yoga [type class]. Jess and I went out to eat, just the two of us--we finished minutes before the class started. After walking into the class and taking my place on the mat, I knew I made two critical mistakes-- one, eating a large meal before class, two picking a front row seat. As the music and instruction started, my tummy started to grumble. I didn't dare move. I thought if I did, something loud might happen (I knew it would happen), and the class was basically packed, the classroom is not big to begin with with. There is so much bending, so much squatting. I've done this class a dozen times before. Months ago, I watched this YouTube video, where this man pranks a yoga class with a farting device he placed under his mat. When he would step on and sit on it, the machine would make the noise and the people would look horrified, but his peers never said anything, they kept the class flowing, ignoring the sounds coming from the man. I wouldn't have been pulling a prank--and the video kept playing in my head. This is a first for me. Completely sitting/standing still. The instructor looked at me, and I just shook my head. You live and learn, people. Some things go without saying, but I'm a do it and learn by it kind of person. Lesson learned. 

Last night we celebrated Owen's fifth birthday. He was hamming it up for my sister-in-law's camera. We had an elegant evening at Pizza Hut.

I know I've written about Owen's coming into this world at 26 weeks, numerous times. But, when you've come so close to loosing a child, his very existence on this earth, is celebrated all the time. I pick him up daily and kiss him.

And it all started like this (pic below) I wasn't allowed to hold him for days following his birth, they want preemies to rest and not get agitated by too much stimulation---I mean he was supposed to be in the womb for another 14 weeks. 

Best Buddies Anyone Could Have

Band buddies--first year--2014

Numerous people have mentioned the above photo to me, after I posted it on my Facebook page a week or so ago. These four guys are the best buddies anyone could have. There is one buddy missing from the photo, he isn't in band. This photo captures these guys' personalities. Keyton and his buddies do their own thing--they don't bug anyone, their easy going dudes. Their like honey badgers. I admire their ability to let "things" roll off of their shoulders. I appreciate my son's group of friends.

I can easily recall an event I was recently at, where kids were suppose to pick partners for a game. I watched Keyton try to partner up with a child. It was [more than] obvious this child didn't want to be Keyton's partner in the game they were about to play. He approached the child, the child pretended not to hear Keyton, even after Keyton tapped the child on the shoulder, the child continued to ignore him while trying to make it clear they had no intentions of being Keyton's partner. In my head, I was like, "Keyton-- dude, ask someone else!" but, Keyton asked this child a few more times, and the child continued to ignore him, until the child finally told Keyton no. This hurt my heart more than Keyton's. In fact, it didn't seem to phase him-- I saw Keyton shrug his shoulders and I watched him move on. He didn't loose a minute of thought over it. I'll never forget this incident--it was hard to watch. Lucky for Keyton, he understands, it's no big thing.  I learned, he'll either find a different partner to play a game with, or move on to something else. Many kids are naturally competitive (Keyton doesn't seem to be)  I understand these children would rather have a child that is just as competitive as they are on their team(s). I'm thankful these type of scenarios hurt my heart worse than Keyton's heart. I'm ever so proud that Keyton and his friends have empathy for others. I'm happy that Keyton doesn't go out of his way to hang out with those that turn their noses up at him. I'm happy he and his friends are still little boys who play the games they want and really don't care what other's think--they'll happily play "wizards" (I don't even know what this consists of--maybe swords and magic wands?). Keyton loves to play on the computer, I have to be attentive during this activity, or he would never stop. There is this game Keyton plays with his buddies, they can all play together while at their own houses, they wear headsets to communicate with one another (yes headsets). Keyton goes to one of his buddy's house and plays his trombone and he and his friends have jam sessions together--I mainly love this, because they are playing tubas, trumpets and saxophones. It's not uncommon for me to lock myself in the bathroom when the trombone starts up at my house--it's not uncommon that I'm talking on the phone while Keyton is playing his trombone--my friends have even quit mentioning it, it's normal background sounds these days.

Keyton told me he has been called a geek. I tell him," Be proud buddy, let your geek flag fly high." He doesn't LOVE being called a geek, but he has learned to embrace the fact that he likes what he likes (and ain't nobody going to stomp on his spirit). He won't go out his way to try to fit in and I'm guilty of buying him the named brand clothing to try to help him fit in, but fit in with what? This is a question, I cannot answer. Make no mistake, I know Keyton can be naughty, he drives me up a tree some days.

I'm proud of everyone who does what they love--even if it's not classified as hip. I wish I'd been more like Keyton as a child. Who knows, I could have been the next Kenny G.

Saucy Fellow

Teasing (not real mean) people, (my children mostly--okay mainly) is one of my most favorite past times in the world. Pulling their leg--is fun--pranking is the best. When Keyton was two/three-years-old, he loved the Children's Singer Raffi. One of the songs on the Raffi C.D  was titled, "Robin in the Rain". The first two lines in the song are, Robin in the rain, what a saucy fellow. Personally, I think calling a Robin a saucy fellow is funny, so naturally, I took to calling Keyton Saucy fellow. He. Hated. It. Keyton is my most serious child. Keyton at three would say (sternly,annoyed, livid), "I'm not saucy fellow, I'm Keyton Opsal!" I'd say "OK. OK, Saucy fellow." When Keyton was four I said to him, "I love the name Saucy Fellow so much, I went to the name changing station and changed your name to Saucy Fellow." He was pissed. He said, "Go back to the name changing station and change it back to Keyton!" Me-"What? But, I like saucy fellow, I just didn't know that name when you were born, but now I do, and I love it and now you are Saucy Fellow." Keyton-"I'm not Saucy Fellow, I'm Keyton Opsal!". Me-"Oh. Ok, Sauce. Now go pick up your blocks." Keyton-"I'm not Saucy Fellow!". This went on for years. Actually, it still goes on. If I pick him up today from school and ask "Saucy Fellow, how was school? He would say,"I'm not Saucy Fellow!" My brother has called him Saucy Fellow, Hal has called him Saucy Fellow, Jesse has called him Saucy Fellow, and my mom has called him Saucy Fellow. So, now I encourage you, next time you see him, call him Saucy Fellow. It never gets old. In fact today, when he gets into the car, I'm going to video myself saying, "Hi saucy Fellow, how was school?" I know his reaction with be epic. I'll post the video. It's be especially great, because this will be the first time I've called him Saucy Fellow in months. It's friendly teasing really. When he gets too worked up, I say, "OK--calm down, Sauce."

This morning on the way to school, I had Beastie Boy's "Fight for Your Right" playing--loud.  When the kids and I got one block away from the school, Keyton kept turning down the music. And when we parked in front of the school, Keyton jumped out as fast as possible and slammed the door--before I had the chance to play, "Brass Monkey" for the other children walking into the school. Hal also jumped out and slammed the door .In fact, this was the fastest Hal has ever gotten out of the car. Good thing for the other children, I rolled down the passenger side window and idled there for a half a minute, and they got to hear "Brass Monkey" Unfortunately, my two children didn't get to hear "Brass Monkey" because they sprinted into the school. However,the other children all walked backwards in slow motion looking at my vehicle. My day has started out right. 

Keyton Band O Rama, 2014

The above picture is of Keyton and I. I don't know if he was embarrassed to take the picture with me--my guess is yes. He's a good boy. He's looking like a Saucy Little Fellow.

Meditation

In the last week, I've been paying attention (like I said I would in my last post), to my thoughts, to my moods, to how I interact with people. I've been taking a class at my gym, the class is a combination of yoga, pilates, tia chi, and meditation. I've been surprised that I can loose myself in class and focus on the tasks presented by the instructor. During the meditation phase, you simply lay on your back and listen to the soothing voice of the teacher, as she instructs you to let go of any unwanted thoughts and stress. She starts with your toes, saying, "Let go of any stress in your toes, let those toes "melt" into the ground." The teacher moves from the toes to the base of your head. I do feel myself actually "melt", and I'm able to feel my stress "float" away. It's rewarding to make it through the class--the teacher tells you to, "Thank your body for the work it's done and to make a list of what you're thankful for." It's a time for reflection and prayer. I've attended this class three times, and I have felt revived after each session. I've felt calm and peaceful.

A good friend of mine emailed me an article on meditation. I've tried meditation before, when I was in treatment, I was 25 at that time, and I remember thinking it was stupid. However, after reading the article my friend sent me, I thought, "What the hell? I'll try it again, it can't hurt." With me wanting immediate results--I tried this right after I read the article, which was mid-morning yesterday. I sat down in my son's bedroom (it's the darkest room on the main floor) and I crossed my legs--with both feet sitting on my knees. I sat with my palms facing upward--resting on my thighs. I sat there for a few minutes, and then I was all, "What am I supposed to do now?"  I got up and went to my computer, re-read the article--did a search on meditation, went back into the room and got back into my pose. I learned this can be a time to ask a question--  you focus all your thoughts on that one question--ask it again, and again, and again. Then, after you've asked the question, you basically say, "OK, I've asked, now I give this question to you." (to the universe/God). And then you are supposed to sit there and try to keep your mind blank--and the answer to the question might come to you during the next phase of the meditation or later on. I sat there with my mind blank, (as blank as I could get it, I had to keep pushing any unwanted thoughts out of my mind) I did this for God knows how long, until I thought I heard the answer--I felt I was fairly certain the answer had came to me. I got up and did what I was "told" to do. And it didn't work out the way I thought it would. In fact, I felt quite awful after this. I felt a sense of sadness (I need more practice). For as long as I can remember, when I've been sad about a certain circumstance, I've went to friends and family--for advice and the advice I've received over the years, is common advice, advice that I too have given out countless times. It's, "Don't worry about it" and "Let it go." And, I've took this advice and tried to "roll" with it. I would feel sad, and I would think,"You can't be sadden by this, it's out of your control, you need to push it out of your mind." but, that hurts my stomach. What I've learned, in the last week (or last couple of days), was to not do push whatever is bothering me out of my mind, to let myself be sad, and if I let myself feel that feeling, it will pass. My stomach doesn't get a knot in it. I can let my feelings control me for a bit--and after awhile those negative feelings lessen and eventually pass. I've also decided that some of my feelings need to be private. I don't always need to seek advice from others. I can practice meditation, and during that time I will use that moment to offer up personal conflict and give my conflict "away", in hopes the outcome will be pure and untainted by what others have to say. I know my first session didn't go well, I need to be patient and not immediately run with what my gut instinct is telling me to do. People are not quite, as much trust as I have in humans, I don't believe they always understand anther's personal pain. Everyone has personal conflict, and unloading our own conflicts onto them, isn't always fair. They're going through their own life "battles", and they too are trying to overcome something, which might be "bigger" than the troubles of ourselves. I also need to be mindful before I speak. I've heard this quote many times, and I'm going to use it, everyday, the quote is "If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~ Buddha.  By, making these couple of changes, (seeking answers through prayer and by mentally using the quote above) I'm curious how life will flow. I'll continue to trust in the good intentions of people, but I won't rush to tell everything what is of great significance to me. Rushing to tell people what I'm feeling has at times "backfired" (not intentionally), by those who've I confided in and the results from those interactions, have not always been positive.

Where I Belong?

It's been awhile since I've last posted. I write on this here--blog quite often, I save what I write and never "publish". I'm kind of going through a,"Who the hell am I and what the hell am I all about?" phase. Obviously, I know I'm a mother, a wife, and a nurse--and on and on with that list, grandchild, sister,ect.. What I'm not is an overly religious person and I'm not traditional (I don't know what I mean by 'traditional'--I don't have traditions? That's probably it). I'm not content where I am, because I don't even know,who I am, so it's really confusing--I'm totally confused even thinking about this. I'm going to challenge myself, I'm going to focus on what I'm all about--so I know where I'm at. Get it? I don't--but I will. I've been in this phase.since I entered this world in 1981. It's time I start sorting it out. I'm not a clean freak--but I don't like chaos. I don't like confrontation--but I will confront. I have some friends, but not many. I used to drink like ten diet cokes a day (no kidding) and I quit drinking soda, a month or two ago. I can't do anything in moderation. In fact, I can't even look at greek yogurt right now, as I've eaten so much during the last couple of weeks--like, I'm really pissed off at greek yogurt--I just threw a huge container in the trash--and said, "Be gone with you greek yogurt, be gone!" I'm super lazy--like really, I'm a napoholic, it's true, ask my family. But, after I take a good nap, I can get up and run--like super fast, one mile I could probably concur, in a couple minute span--but then I get bored and I start skipping and stretching. One time (last summer) I did a somersault in a person's on the lawn in the front yard of one of my neighbors-- I didn't even know I did it, until I stood up and was all dizzy. ADHD? I dunno, I recently asked my doctor about it, she said I would have to drive to a special doctor in a different town, to be tested. I hate tests. I told her I was tested for ADD when I was in grade school, and "they" prescribed me medication, but I over heard the doctor tell my mother the medication could cause heart palpitations, [so watch for it] and soon after I started the medication, I was convinced I had heart palpitations. I would tell my mom to call 911, because I was having a heart attack, and soon she quit giving me the medication, because it caused me anxiety. So, my doctor was like, "Hmmm, Anxiety Disorder and ADHD, do go hand in hand." so, yeah I do probably have ADHD. I don't want to take the test, nor do I want to have anxiety attacks--about possible side effects. I love to read--that's my jam. I'm an alcoholic--I know that, because it's in my genes--and I was following the same pattern my Grandfather followed, and well, it didn't turn out so good for him. I try to educate people on the importance of educated on mental illnesses, because so often when there is a mental health issue that hasn't been addressed, they're likely to be addicts themselves, to self medicate--that's the bottom line. How can one be a productive member of society, when he or she is self medicating with a substance that alters their already afflicted mental capacity? It's impossible. When you see a homeless person and you say, "Why don't you get a job?" well, there you go--a prime example of who I could have been, if I hadn't quit the sauce and started taking care of my mental health, you would have been yelling that at me ("Hey you lazy bum, why don't you get a job?!?". I don't know what switched inside my head....I would like to think it was my own Grandpa--steering me off the path that he took. I think, I've been instilled with an empathy for those who suffer more so than others, because they don't understand--what it feels like--to think you (myself) suck. With knowing this much about myself, I'm going to start paying attention (yeah--totally hard) to myself--to learn who I am, so that I can start appreciating life to fullest amount humanly possible. My goal is to end in a place where I can be in a position to encourage others to do the same. I want my children to grow up knowing that mom is here--both physically and mentally. I'm doing this for myself, but I want it to benefit my husband and my family, and the couple of friends I have. I've tried to see where I fit in---all the time I used to wonder where I fit in. I don't. Bottom line--I just don't. I came to this conclusion a long time ago--but recently, I've decided I need to find that place and insert myself. My husband and I have talked about this countless times, he's all "Go find a hobby---like golf, golf is fun." And I'm all, "No, golf isn't fun." I've been told to go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, but I've done that--and it's Williston, ND and I'm scared--I didn't fit in there either--I was like, "Wow, I get a coin, for being sober?"--and they're like, "Yeah,and you can keep it!", but that was thee only silver lining, for me in those meetings. I've been OK with excepting the not fitting in thing--believe me, I would be taking naps All.The.Time. if I wasn't. But it's still annoying--and I still think about it--and I need to stop and just freaking move onward. So, I will update--I don't know--what I will be updating, but there were be updating going on-- I need to go about this in a more productive manner than only posting houses for sale in various parts of the country on my husband's Facebook page--cause that actually stresses him out.

Sarah Lemon

I think having the last name Lemon would be sweet. Like, if I  were to live out my dream and become a famous writer of some sort, my writer name would be, Sarah Lemon. I think lemons are pretty.

This morning on the way to school the kids and I were listening to our favorite morning radio program, Elvis Duran and the Morning Show. One of the show's host shared a clip from a Carly Rae Jepsen interview. Carly said, although she is thankful "her" song, "Call Me Maybe" was her first hit, she would really like to be known for more than just that song. Now, being the responsible parent I am, I took this opportunity to share with my children a valuable life lesson. I said, "Kids! Carly Rae Jepsen, will only be known as the girl who sang, 'Call Me Maybe' for always and forever! She's being crazy!  Kids, it's important to know these famous people are SO ungrateful! She has like a million dollars for that song, and she will always and forever only be known for that song." I took it farther, I said, "It's like it's our fault she sang that song! Just like it's our fault that Miley Cyrus played Hannah Montana, or Marsha Brady played Marsha Brady (Marsha's real name didn't come). Kids, these people, they're greedy! Like, me for instance, I'm your mother, but I don't give a crap that I'm known to your friends at school, as only your mother. And I don't even have million of dollars to show for it!". My kids sat quietly absorbing what I said. They get me. My kids really get me. Keyton said, "The NERVE of Carly!" Hal said, "They did it to themselves."  Me-"Exactly!" Then Hal and Keyton climbed out of the car. The hell with cleaning, I'd accomplished something big in that car this morning. I'm going to kick up my feet all day.