Meditation

In the last week, I've been paying attention (like I said I would in my last post), to my thoughts, to my moods, to how I interact with people. I've been taking a class at my gym, the class is a combination of yoga, pilates, tia chi, and meditation. I've been surprised that I can loose myself in class and focus on the tasks presented by the instructor. During the meditation phase, you simply lay on your back and listen to the soothing voice of the teacher, as she instructs you to let go of any unwanted thoughts and stress. She starts with your toes, saying, "Let go of any stress in your toes, let those toes "melt" into the ground." The teacher moves from the toes to the base of your head. I do feel myself actually "melt", and I'm able to feel my stress "float" away. It's rewarding to make it through the class--the teacher tells you to, "Thank your body for the work it's done and to make a list of what you're thankful for." It's a time for reflection and prayer. I've attended this class three times, and I have felt revived after each session. I've felt calm and peaceful.

A good friend of mine emailed me an article on meditation. I've tried meditation before, when I was in treatment, I was 25 at that time, and I remember thinking it was stupid. However, after reading the article my friend sent me, I thought, "What the hell? I'll try it again, it can't hurt." With me wanting immediate results--I tried this right after I read the article, which was mid-morning yesterday. I sat down in my son's bedroom (it's the darkest room on the main floor) and I crossed my legs--with both feet sitting on my knees. I sat with my palms facing upward--resting on my thighs. I sat there for a few minutes, and then I was all, "What am I supposed to do now?"  I got up and went to my computer, re-read the article--did a search on meditation, went back into the room and got back into my pose. I learned this can be a time to ask a question--  you focus all your thoughts on that one question--ask it again, and again, and again. Then, after you've asked the question, you basically say, "OK, I've asked, now I give this question to you." (to the universe/God). And then you are supposed to sit there and try to keep your mind blank--and the answer to the question might come to you during the next phase of the meditation or later on. I sat there with my mind blank, (as blank as I could get it, I had to keep pushing any unwanted thoughts out of my mind) I did this for God knows how long, until I thought I heard the answer--I felt I was fairly certain the answer had came to me. I got up and did what I was "told" to do. And it didn't work out the way I thought it would. In fact, I felt quite awful after this. I felt a sense of sadness (I need more practice). For as long as I can remember, when I've been sad about a certain circumstance, I've went to friends and family--for advice and the advice I've received over the years, is common advice, advice that I too have given out countless times. It's, "Don't worry about it" and "Let it go." And, I've took this advice and tried to "roll" with it. I would feel sad, and I would think,"You can't be sadden by this, it's out of your control, you need to push it out of your mind." but, that hurts my stomach. What I've learned, in the last week (or last couple of days), was to not do push whatever is bothering me out of my mind, to let myself be sad, and if I let myself feel that feeling, it will pass. My stomach doesn't get a knot in it. I can let my feelings control me for a bit--and after awhile those negative feelings lessen and eventually pass. I've also decided that some of my feelings need to be private. I don't always need to seek advice from others. I can practice meditation, and during that time I will use that moment to offer up personal conflict and give my conflict "away", in hopes the outcome will be pure and untainted by what others have to say. I know my first session didn't go well, I need to be patient and not immediately run with what my gut instinct is telling me to do. People are not quite, as much trust as I have in humans, I don't believe they always understand anther's personal pain. Everyone has personal conflict, and unloading our own conflicts onto them, isn't always fair. They're going through their own life "battles", and they too are trying to overcome something, which might be "bigger" than the troubles of ourselves. I also need to be mindful before I speak. I've heard this quote many times, and I'm going to use it, everyday, the quote is "If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~ Buddha.  By, making these couple of changes, (seeking answers through prayer and by mentally using the quote above) I'm curious how life will flow. I'll continue to trust in the good intentions of people, but I won't rush to tell everything what is of great significance to me. Rushing to tell people what I'm feeling has at times "backfired" (not intentionally), by those who've I confided in and the results from those interactions, have not always been positive.