Where I Belong?

It's been awhile since I've last posted. I write on this here--blog quite often, I save what I write and never "publish". I'm kind of going through a,"Who the hell am I and what the hell am I all about?" phase. Obviously, I know I'm a mother, a wife, and a nurse--and on and on with that list, grandchild, sister,ect.. What I'm not is an overly religious person and I'm not traditional (I don't know what I mean by 'traditional'--I don't have traditions? That's probably it). I'm not content where I am, because I don't even know,who I am, so it's really confusing--I'm totally confused even thinking about this. I'm going to challenge myself, I'm going to focus on what I'm all about--so I know where I'm at. Get it? I don't--but I will. I've been in this phase.since I entered this world in 1981. It's time I start sorting it out. I'm not a clean freak--but I don't like chaos. I don't like confrontation--but I will confront. I have some friends, but not many. I used to drink like ten diet cokes a day (no kidding) and I quit drinking soda, a month or two ago. I can't do anything in moderation. In fact, I can't even look at greek yogurt right now, as I've eaten so much during the last couple of weeks--like, I'm really pissed off at greek yogurt--I just threw a huge container in the trash--and said, "Be gone with you greek yogurt, be gone!" I'm super lazy--like really, I'm a napoholic, it's true, ask my family. But, after I take a good nap, I can get up and run--like super fast, one mile I could probably concur, in a couple minute span--but then I get bored and I start skipping and stretching. One time (last summer) I did a somersault in a person's on the lawn in the front yard of one of my neighbors-- I didn't even know I did it, until I stood up and was all dizzy. ADHD? I dunno, I recently asked my doctor about it, she said I would have to drive to a special doctor in a different town, to be tested. I hate tests. I told her I was tested for ADD when I was in grade school, and "they" prescribed me medication, but I over heard the doctor tell my mother the medication could cause heart palpitations, [so watch for it] and soon after I started the medication, I was convinced I had heart palpitations. I would tell my mom to call 911, because I was having a heart attack, and soon she quit giving me the medication, because it caused me anxiety. So, my doctor was like, "Hmmm, Anxiety Disorder and ADHD, do go hand in hand." so, yeah I do probably have ADHD. I don't want to take the test, nor do I want to have anxiety attacks--about possible side effects. I love to read--that's my jam. I'm an alcoholic--I know that, because it's in my genes--and I was following the same pattern my Grandfather followed, and well, it didn't turn out so good for him. I try to educate people on the importance of educated on mental illnesses, because so often when there is a mental health issue that hasn't been addressed, they're likely to be addicts themselves, to self medicate--that's the bottom line. How can one be a productive member of society, when he or she is self medicating with a substance that alters their already afflicted mental capacity? It's impossible. When you see a homeless person and you say, "Why don't you get a job?" well, there you go--a prime example of who I could have been, if I hadn't quit the sauce and started taking care of my mental health, you would have been yelling that at me ("Hey you lazy bum, why don't you get a job?!?". I don't know what switched inside my head....I would like to think it was my own Grandpa--steering me off the path that he took. I think, I've been instilled with an empathy for those who suffer more so than others, because they don't understand--what it feels like--to think you (myself) suck. With knowing this much about myself, I'm going to start paying attention (yeah--totally hard) to myself--to learn who I am, so that I can start appreciating life to fullest amount humanly possible. My goal is to end in a place where I can be in a position to encourage others to do the same. I want my children to grow up knowing that mom is here--both physically and mentally. I'm doing this for myself, but I want it to benefit my husband and my family, and the couple of friends I have. I've tried to see where I fit in---all the time I used to wonder where I fit in. I don't. Bottom line--I just don't. I came to this conclusion a long time ago--but recently, I've decided I need to find that place and insert myself. My husband and I have talked about this countless times, he's all "Go find a hobby---like golf, golf is fun." And I'm all, "No, golf isn't fun." I've been told to go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, but I've done that--and it's Williston, ND and I'm scared--I didn't fit in there either--I was like, "Wow, I get a coin, for being sober?"--and they're like, "Yeah,and you can keep it!", but that was thee only silver lining, for me in those meetings. I've been OK with excepting the not fitting in thing--believe me, I would be taking naps All.The.Time. if I wasn't. But it's still annoying--and I still think about it--and I need to stop and just freaking move onward. So, I will update--I don't know--what I will be updating, but there were be updating going on-- I need to go about this in a more productive manner than only posting houses for sale in various parts of the country on my husband's Facebook page--cause that actually stresses him out.