Contentment

I have written before about my past anxieties. Basically, I wrote about how "nuts" I was. Like, when I was scared about letting my little brother out of my sight, and when he was out of my sight, I would have to write a certain number of X's, then, and only then, after I completed the number of X's, would my brother be saved (I can't believe I don't remember the number of X's I needed to write in order to save my own brother). That fear (my brother disappearing) developed around the time I was eight or nine-years-old. Although, I don't remember the specifics of the event that led to my OCD, I do remember that it took place at my grandmother's house. My brother and I were staying with my grandma for a week and my brother and I were playing hide-and-seek. He would have been four or five. Jacob, found a great hiding spot. I mean so great, I couldn't find him for an hour. At first, I was not scared, that was before my grandmother caught wind of my brother's disappearance (my grandmother is known for her dramatization). After I had given up looking for Jake, I went into the living room where my grandmother was sitting, and I said something like, " I don't know where Jacob is." She then, not so calmly asked me (yelled) "What do you mean you don't know WHERE your brother is?!?!" My grandma ran down the stairs and all around her house screaming,"Jake? Jacob?" Then she yelled to my grandfather, "Jake is MISSING!!" Witnessing this, I instantly became frightened. I started crying. I don't remember finding him, I don't remember anything, but the panic attack I suffered (mimicking the panic attack my grandmother suffered). From that moment on, I was not going to let my brother disappear again. I wouldn't leave the house and I wouldn't let my brother leave the house; unless I was with him. My mom even took me to a shrink. I over came this fear after a long time of suffering. My family suffered. My mother thought I was crazy, my poor brother thought I was nuts (who could blame him), I have no idea what my father thought. Soooo glad I overcame that fear. It was OCD. Now I can finally see this.

Now, my anxiety for some unknown reason has shifted to this intense thought of losing loved ones. I have never experienced an actual loss of someone really close to me--at least through death--although, I have came (too) close to losing two of my children. I don't know that heart ache---yet thankfully. I have lost people close to me in other ways. As humans, it is inevitable that we are going to have different relationships throughout our lives. I love hard. It's the one thing that I love and hate about myself. I am passionate. I am compassionate. I do everything for everyone else ( which, is why I became a nurse). I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't mean too, but I do. So, where does this intense fear of losing someone stem from? This is my question. I am spiritual. I think God talks to me. I think I can hear him saying things that are meant to calm my nerves. I know I am wasting time worrying about things that are beyond my control--but it is not as easy for me as it seems to be for everyone else. I have one great friend (and cousin) who I admire deeply. When I am with her and even when I am on the phone with her, I can sense her contentment. I am on a journey, I will be content.