Writing has not been on my list of things to do these days. Aside from working, going to school, and taking care of three little people, two big people (Jesse and myself), and one little dog, I just can't juggle it all. I'm not good at multitasking. In fact, in the short few months that I have not written, I went to work at a hospital as a registered nurse, I was determined to become a labor and delivery nurse. It took me only a few short weeks to understand that I was no where prepared for such a commitment. I decided to work on a medical surgical unit in hopes that it would be a better fit. However, it took me only another few short weeks to understand that those 12 hour shifts are not right for me in any environment (at the moment). So, I decided I would go work at a clinic. I was all ready, I had given the hospital the required 3o day notice and was already on the clinic's schedule, before I understood I wasn't in the position to work at the clinic either. All of this hit me ( not wanting to work as a nurse) when I woke up in the middle of the day after having just worked a 12 hour night shift and decided that I needed a day job, that would well...not scare the hell out of me. I woke up put in my contacts and went down town in search of a job. I made a phone call and ended up at an old building in down town Williston. I got the name of a guy I used to hang out with when I was younger and found out that he works for a company that was looking for some help. I walked into his company and I went up to a desk where a pretty girl was sitting and I said, "I am here to talk to my old friend." She asked for my name. I felt stupid, so I said I was just an old friend and I just needed to speak with my old buddy for a minute or two. She went to see if this person was busy and she came back and said he was in deed busy, but she would leave a message for him. I left my name and number and embarrassed, I walked out of the building. A few minutes later my cell phone rang. It was him ( the old friend) and I had an interview the next morning at 8:30 am after my night shift at the hospital was over. I worked all night, came home and again put my contacts in and put on some interview type clothes and met with the boss man (not my old friend, but my old friend's boss man) and I was offered a job. I had no idea what this job was, I researched the company a little and I found out that I was going to be working at a trucking company. I am now employed at a trucking company. I had my first day today. I have my own office with a spectacular view of a funeral home, which is located across the street! I have my own desk and places to put pictures and I have a one hour lunch break. I have my own phone, although I don't know the number that one would have to dial to reach me, and there are a bunch of names on the phone that I do not recognize. I learned how to do these fancy things called invoices. In fact my new title is Invoice specialist. I went from "Registered Nurse Sarah" to "Invoice Specialist Sarah" all in just a matter of weeks. I must say it is going to be an adjustment. I do think that it is going to be a great fit for me. I love being a nurse, I love it so much that at the moment I know I can't be the best nurse I can be, I can't swing it. After a night shift, I would come home and lay my head down on my table and sob. I would sob because I didn't get to bring my kids to school, I would sob because I would have to sleep away half of the day. I have many friends who love those 12 hour shifts, because that means they work three days and then they have a bunch of days off in a row--I would like that too if my husband would come home every night. I like having a job because my husband does not come home at five and when I am home alone with three children for 24 hours straight, depression sets in. A dark cloud finds me and then I can not see. I like the routine. I am lucky that Owen has a daycare where the workers are more than fantastic. They love O and O loves them. I am lucky that my kids want to go to school--they love to see their friends and they actually beg me to take them too school before school starts. I actually think they just like to eat the school's breakfast because my cooking is not so good. So here is to 2012. May I find peace and fill my soul with happiness. Happiness has always been a struggle for me. I have bad genes. After all, my grandfather committed suicide when I was only one-years-old. I have always struggled to fill a hole in my soul. People are always telling me to focus on all the good in my life. That is an easy thing for people to say when they have never suffered the effects of depression. That is an easy thing to say when they don't have that hole in their soul. Believe me, I have done odd things to fill that hole in my soul. I have tried herbal therapy, not really that odd, but sort of risky being that I am already on an antidepressant. I have asked everyone I know for advice, only to find out that they can't give me the answers that I am looking for, because they don't know what a hole in the soul feels like. No, nothing in particular has caused my depression---besides some messed up biochemical elements that circulate at the rate of a turtle. I am not the kind of person that holds back. If I am sad, believe me, everyone around me knows. I will tell them--I will say, " Hey there, I am depressed today, I am sad.". Most people get uncomfortable with this. This is when they say things like, "well, focus on all of the good things you have in your life." Really??? As if it were that easy you humans! I do know one thing that my dramatic personality can do and that is push away ones that I love. I love hard, and with that comes pain. If I am hurt I tend to tell EVERYONE who will listen to me. This is not always a good trait. Sometimes, I trust people with things that I shouldn't. I will tell them how I am feeling and they will not....no they cannot empathize and since they can't empathize they will cut me out completely. I am lucky I have a best friend---Husband. He for some reason always listens to me. Although, he can't empathize with me most of the time, he puts up with me and loves me anyways. Unconditional love---is what I value the most in this universe. Unconditional. So again to 2012, may I continue to fill that hole in my soul--and to unconditional love.
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