BEP

Yesterday, I saw the Black Eyed Peas in concert in Minot, North Dakota. I had seen them before, but this concert was a lot different than the concert in Minneapolis. This was a concert to raise money for the city of Minot. It was a nice concert, it was nice to see a band as big as the BEP lend a helping hand to my state. The lead singer of the group is married to a guy from Minot. All of the funds raised from the concert went to the city. Really cool.

Although, I had fun, I was again the "sober" girl. I had one person ask me over and over again---wait not ask me, but tell me-- I wasn't having fun because I wasn't total wasted. PEOPLE I have fun, just because I don't drink doesn't mean you have to sip your beers and look at me with eyes that read, "you must be so jealous of me right now, because I am getting messed up!" Actually, I don't miss getting out of control. I am glad I don't stand on chairs and scream random things at people. I have control over every situation I am in. Basically, now I control if and when I am going to stand on a chair and yell, which by the way I still do, but I AM doing it, not "Donna" (the name I gave to drunk Sarah). Of course I get jealous---that I am not also enjoying an adult beverage. The culture (especially in NoDak) is the more you drink--the better. It is not this way with every individuals within the state of ND... I understand that, but for a variety of people this is normal behavior, and I accept it. I was offered a beer today out at the lake. I told the person no, I don't...drink. "Oh you must have to drive home." "Well, yes, but I don't drink....ever." Followed by a look, like I suddenly had grown a gigantic horn on the top of my head. I did get pissed after the BEP concert; because I couldn't find away out of the parking lot of the Holiday Inn. I had parked by the Holiday Inn and took a wrong turn which somehow led me into the hotel's parking lot. For the love of God, I could not find an escape route. I had my good friend sitting in the passenger seat, shouting directions at me, and I did have to stop the car and yell at her a few times. It was like a bad dream--driving around that hotel parking lot, I found a cop and I rolled down my window, I asked " how do I get out of this parking lot, all of the entrances are blocked off, and I don't even know how I got into this parking lot?" The cop (JERK) said " You are not supposed to be in this parking lot!" And the jerk told me to drive off of a big stupid curb. I rolled up my window, and zoomed away, frantically following another vehicle out of the parking lot. I got out. One of the girls in the car yelled, "Get me out of the car!" It's times like these, I wish I was liquored up, sitting in the back seat, not really understanding what is going on. It was a fun trip beside the side trip that took place in a parking lot. Now, to my homework. I start work on Tuesday. I'm excited ....I think.

Tina Fey

I can't wait to be done with school. I hate school, always have--always will. If I decide to go back again after this, I hope someone punches me in the face. Writing papers could be fun--if my instructors would let me write about something fun. I missed my calling. I read Tina Fey's "Bossypants", and I should be Tina. I should have went to school in Chicago and studied at The Second City. What is wrong with me? Tina has talent. I have no real talent (but I know funny..like Tina)--I can't sing (didn't make swing choir in Junior High), I can't dance (I studied dance--for like a year-- until I had to wear a neon colored spandex uniform and dance in front of an audience-- where I couldn't remember my choreography), I can't play a musical instrument ( I attempted the drums--looked like an idiot-- I never actually learned to read notes-- I just pretended to play a snare drum), and I can't draw ( ask my kids). When Tina was in high school, she worked for her community's local theater company and her job...was to take tickets (she eventually did more, but she didn't sing, dance or play a musical instrument (I don't think she played an instrument). I could have done that. I could have been a Tina Fey. Not that I don't like being a nurse, but how much fun would it be to write comedy sketches? To this day, I try and not miss a Saturday Night Live. There is something so great about people performing and writing such ridiculousness. I often post these YouTube clips on my Facebook page, because I find them brilliant. Most people I know (besides people like my brother, my cousin Kevin and handful of others) don't find the same types of things as humorous as I do. I strongly believe humor gets me through everything. When I was on bed rest, Jess and I watched "The Office", now that is humor. That is quality humor. Sometimes I start laughing so hard while watching such ridiculousness, that I hit the person sitting next to me. It's like I can't help it, I start laughing and start punching those around me. My brother Jake and I were driving one day (well Jake was driving) and he told me to look up this YouTube video, I did, and I started laughing so hard it hurt, the only relief I could get was beating up my brother. He was laughing as hard as I was--- listening to this stupid video, that he occasionally said, "Owe." Ask Jesse, he has been the victim of my laughing, so has my mom. One time, this guy walked up to my friend and in this really strange low pitched voice, he asked " What is a turtle neck?" Serious. He was completely serious...or so it appeared. I live for these moments, not only was this guy hilarious, my friend's face was even funnier--my friend didn't laugh, she was like "Did he just ask me what a turtle neck is?" That in itself could be a sketch on SNL. At least I think so.

Contentment

I have written before about my past anxieties. Basically, I wrote about how "nuts" I was. Like, when I was scared about letting my little brother out of my sight, and when he was out of my sight, I would have to write a certain number of X's, then, and only then, after I completed the number of X's, would my brother be saved (I can't believe I don't remember the number of X's I needed to write in order to save my own brother). That fear (my brother disappearing) developed around the time I was eight or nine-years-old. Although, I don't remember the specifics of the event that led to my OCD, I do remember that it took place at my grandmother's house. My brother and I were staying with my grandma for a week and my brother and I were playing hide-and-seek. He would have been four or five. Jacob, found a great hiding spot. I mean so great, I couldn't find him for an hour. At first, I was not scared, that was before my grandmother caught wind of my brother's disappearance (my grandmother is known for her dramatization). After I had given up looking for Jake, I went into the living room where my grandmother was sitting, and I said something like, " I don't know where Jacob is." She then, not so calmly asked me (yelled) "What do you mean you don't know WHERE your brother is?!?!" My grandma ran down the stairs and all around her house screaming,"Jake? Jacob?" Then she yelled to my grandfather, "Jake is MISSING!!" Witnessing this, I instantly became frightened. I started crying. I don't remember finding him, I don't remember anything, but the panic attack I suffered (mimicking the panic attack my grandmother suffered). From that moment on, I was not going to let my brother disappear again. I wouldn't leave the house and I wouldn't let my brother leave the house; unless I was with him. My mom even took me to a shrink. I over came this fear after a long time of suffering. My family suffered. My mother thought I was crazy, my poor brother thought I was nuts (who could blame him), I have no idea what my father thought. Soooo glad I overcame that fear. It was OCD. Now I can finally see this.

Now, my anxiety for some unknown reason has shifted to this intense thought of losing loved ones. I have never experienced an actual loss of someone really close to me--at least through death--although, I have came (too) close to losing two of my children. I don't know that heart ache---yet thankfully. I have lost people close to me in other ways. As humans, it is inevitable that we are going to have different relationships throughout our lives. I love hard. It's the one thing that I love and hate about myself. I am passionate. I am compassionate. I do everything for everyone else ( which, is why I became a nurse). I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't mean too, but I do. So, where does this intense fear of losing someone stem from? This is my question. I am spiritual. I think God talks to me. I think I can hear him saying things that are meant to calm my nerves. I know I am wasting time worrying about things that are beyond my control--but it is not as easy for me as it seems to be for everyone else. I have one great friend (and cousin) who I admire deeply. When I am with her and even when I am on the phone with her, I can sense her contentment. I am on a journey, I will be content.

Remembering

Owen is talking now. Well, sort of. He is starting to say more and more words everyday. Most people would think, well sure, he is two and a half after all. I think everything Owen does is an amazing accomplishment. I think about that night, the night the doctor told Jess and I that Owen may not make it through the night. I remember watching in horror when Owen would stop breathing, I remember watching as Owen's skin turned this pale ugly grey color, I remember the sound of the alarms, the the voices and the movements of the nurses working to stimulate him so that he would begin to breath on his own. Now,Owen sits beside me playing with a truck. He loves trucks. I watch him everyday grow and thrive. I am in awe over this child, who only a two and half years ago, lay struggling to breath in an incubator. I remember, finding places where I could sit and sob quietly so no one could see nor hear me. I don't do this anymore, holding in my pain so that others can't see. It hurts to keep such fear and pain tucked in. I let it out.

Changes

Life has defiantly changed since the last time I posted. Hal and Keyton are getting ready to start school tomorrow. Hal will be a first grader and Keyton will be a third grader. Owen is getting ready to start daycare. I am getting ready to start working and Jess is getting ready to help his father with Harvest. I guess we are all getting ready--for something. I got a job at the hospital, and I will be working as a labor and delivery nurse. I will do training on the medical surgical unit first.

I am tired---both emotionally and physically. I don't know if it is all the up coming changes or if it just everyday life. Thankfully, the class I am currently taking has been easy thus far (hope I didn't just jinx myself).

Some times I just need to sit down and evaluate what it is that I have, what is that I want, and what is that I need. I have plenty, I have more than enough. I want to be successful. I need my family and friends. Changes are rough. I am scared. Am I really ready to drop Owen off at a daycare? I don't know, because I have not thought about it. How challenging is it going to be to work, take care of three children, and go to school? I don't now. Jess is gone all of the time with work and now with harvest approaching. I am and have been extremely independent as a mother this far, and I will continue to try and do my best--at being an independent mother. I think there are some people who live in some sort of bubble, where their world is the only world that matters. I don't want to be that person. I want to be aware of what is going on in the world. I want to help with what I can and hope for things I have no control over. America, besides some of America, has came a long way. I recently read a book called The Help. It is a great book--and I recommend it. I will teach my children the value of self worth, I will teach my children the value of EVERYONE'S self worth. I don't want my children to ever be persuaded by the hatred of others. I want my children to be able to know the difference between hatred and truth.

Where is My Cell Phone?

We celebrated Owen's birthday on Saturday (April, 9th). He is two! Holy crap, it feels like just the other day, a neonatal nurse was handing me my extremely tiny two-pound-boy to hold for the first time. Man, how I adore my little, handsome, smart, happy, cute, special, little Owen. I am so thankful for you Owen Reed. Yesterday, was what? Monday? Yes, yesterday was Monday. Sunday and Monday were hard days for me. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. Jess left the other day, and I am taking that dumb statistics class. That's right, it is a dumb class. The teacher is irritating me. Every time I asked her a question, she refers me someplace else. Super annoying. I had a paper due yesterday and I was watching another little boy in addition to Owen. Winton ( the little boy I was watching) is awesome, he is so sweet, and he actually keeps Owen entertained, so that made things ( like writing a paper on statistics) a little easier. I am just happy I am not feeling as rough as I was yesterday. In fact, I was so tired that, when I was talking to Jesse on my cell phone, I asked (out loud), " Where is my stupid cell phone" I walked around the house looking for my phone, until Jesse said, "Uh, are you still looking for your cell phone?" Then it clicked, the cell phone was on my ear, I was talking on the stupid thing as I was looking for it. I think Jesse may have been a tad bit worried about me. I haven't had time to do much of anything, like laundry. It is stacked to my ceiling. Oh-well, I guess I will go do a load or 12.

April Fools

I have been busier then usual--and that is all thanks to the BSN program I am currently in. I started a statistics class. Math is not my friend. Math needs to become my friend quickly, or I am going to go insane. The people in the program with me, seem like they are math fanatics--they are constantly confusing me with their mathematical jargon. SARAH DON'T LIKEY. I took Halee and Keyton to "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules". I have written about The Diary of a Wimpy Kid book series that Keyton and I have read together. Greg is the main character in the books and he is a middle schooler, who physically isn't maturing as fast as the other boys his age. His whole goal in life is to be label as "cool". However, unfortunately Greg experiences extremely embarrassing scenarios all too often. There were many middle school kids at the movie tonight. I couldn't help but wonder how much they related to the characters in the movie. I remember middle school, and it was awful. I want to make sure my children are a little more free spirited then Greg. I don't want them to think they need to be anything, but themselves-- just to fit in with the "cool kids". As I was thinking about my children's future experiences in middle school, Keyton interrupted me, he told me his ball exploded. I was a little confused at first, as the movie theater was dark. Keyton had brought a ball with him to the movie. This ball was full of this liquid white stuff. I guess he was picking at the outer most layer and the whole ball exploded and Keyton was covered in the white stuff. Now, I have seen Keyton get embarrassed, but not this embarrassed. He had this white stuff dripping from the beanie he was wearing, he had the white stuff was dripping off of his shirt, and his pants were covered in the white mess. To make the matter worse, the white stuff smelled really bad, like rubber cement. It was an extremely strong odor. People started looking all around to see where this awful stench was coming from. I finally, had to go to the bath room and get a bunch of wet paper towels to wipe down my 8-year-old. After the movie, we ran out of the theater before the lights turned on. I think I need to work with Keyton on his free spiritness. I also think I am all itchy from the gross white stuff that exploded from his toy. I should shower. It is April Fools Day today. I am a huge fan of pranks, but I have not pranked anyone today. I guess I still have some time to think of something. I like to prank Jesse the best. He is a scardy cat. For instance, one night a few years ago, Jesse could not go to sleep- he was tossing and turning and keeping me awake. Finally, he gave up on sleeping and told me he was going to go into the living room. As I laid there, I could not help but jump at the chance to do something to my husband, as he was sitting in the dark living room. I knew Jess had logged onto his laptop-- I knew he was busy browsing the Internet. I carefully crawled from our bedroom to the living room. I crawled behind the recliner. I slowly started pushing the chair so it would rock forward. At first, I rocked the chair slowly, then I rocked it faster, all of a sudden I saw the glow from the lap top, he had turned the lap top computer so that it was facing the chair, which gave off light so he could see the chair actually rocking. There Jesse sat frozen with his lap top pointed towards the chair as it rocked. He sat there for minutes watching in terror as the chair rocked. I sat behind the chair until my giggles finally escaped. I think he called me a few names. I love scared Jesse. However, who is going to protect me if a ghost decided to haunt my house?

St. Patty's Day

I seen a preview for a movie coming out in July; This movie has Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis ( from "That 70's Show") in it. I can't believe how excited I got while watching the preview. I think the movie is called, "Friends with Benefits" (or something like that). Mila Kunis is so great, I am a humor junkie, and she is funny, SO funny. Justin Timberlake is funny too. Hal and I love the SNL skit, when JT did a music video with Beyonce', "All the Single Ladies" YouTube it, if you have not seen it yet. Seriously.

Tonight, Halee and Keyton went to some raffle basket fundraiser at the school where my mom teaches. They put Owen's name on one of the items, and he won. Owen, won a basket full of summer goodies, including, bubbles, squirt guns, water balloons, side walk chalk, and a plastic ball and bat. An awesome prize to get! However, at 8 pm on a Thursday night, I was not expecting, a water balloon fight, nor did expect getting squirted with a squirt gun. After my mom arrived with the kids (and the basket) she stayed for a few minutes. Upon their arrival, I was completing a homework assignment. All I can remember after them walking in is, myself laying on the floor holding on to my mom's ankles, begging her not to leave me. My mom did her best to comfort me--in her best "motherly soothing" voice she said," Jesse will be home on Thursday." well today is Thursday, which means Jesse will be home in seven days. This attempt at calming me, only made me squeeze on to my mother's ankles tighter.

Today is St. Patty's Day. I am not real into this holiday. It is not as fun as it used to be, like when I could drink a good green beer. Anyways, after picking up my kids from school today, my children were certain, that while we had been gone, leprechauns had broke into our house and messed it up. I guess, at school, some teacher told them a story, where some leprechauns had broken into her house, and left green footprints all over the place and messed up their whole house. Driving back to my house, I felt guilty that I hadn't somehow made little green footprints and messed up my house, so that St.Patty's Day could have met my children's expectations.

Yesterday, I explained how my feet move faster than my torso. I was happy that I finally figured out what was causing my sudden, but not unexpected falls. Yesterday, I thought, I finally solved my issue, because I was determined not to let my feet and legs move so fast. Well, at about ten to eight this morning, while running out to the mail box, I slipped on a patch of ice and biffed it, hard. I was positive for a minute, that I broke my arm. After a shaking my arm for a few seconds, I was relieved that I had not fractured my upper arm. So much for being cautious of the speed of my lower extremities.

My feet move faster than my torso

I think I have discovered why I fall down so much. I am pretty sure, my legs and feet move faster than my torso. Today, after I fell down, I sat on the floor and I had a "moment". I took a few minutes to evaluate why I fell down. Generally, when I fall down, I jump right back up, even if I am in an immense amount of pain. After such trips or falls or what have you, I always continue on to where ever it was I was going. Back in high school, I used to fall down every time I went up the stairs, and by the middle of my freshmen year, no one even stopped to laugh, because the people knew I did it every hour. My mom used to say, she knew it was was me coming in the front door, because she would hear, foot step, foot step, foot step, followed by a thunk, followed by more foot steps. Well, today I finally figured out why I fall down so damn much. My legs and feet move faster than my torso ( I know I just repeated myself). I am just glad there is a real reason why I fall down. I am not dizzy, I don't have "disturbed" equilibrium, and I am not on any prescription medication that would cause delirium. Today, I actually watched my legs and feet suddenly start running, literally right from underneath me.

For many, many years I have thought that I should be a vegetarian. Not because I think it is "cool" and not because I don't believe in hunting or whatever. I just have always been disgusted with the thought of eating any form of meat. Well, I think my time has come, I have not been able to eat meat for the last couple of days. I just can't. I found myself gagging on some hamburger the other night. I tried to eat some chicken, and I ended up eating around it. Meat officially makes me nauseous. I wonder if I am a vegetarian now? I wonder if I am heading towards vegan? Everything, including cheese is grossing me out. The milk in my cereal this morning, had me quivering. I'm scared. And no, I am not pregnant.

Jesse is gone. I wish I could tell you who he flies, but I can't. The people on his flight today are well known in the fitness world. Many infomercials on TV to-date, are advertising these clients' fitness regimens. I asked Jesse if these people were in good shape, all he said was, "They are not fat." I have tried one of the videos in a series that these people produce, and it kicked my butt. I wonder if Jesse got any good fitness pointers from these people today? An interesting job my husband has. As a pilot, Jesse is wonderful--he is really good--I swear. Jesse's brother bought a plane last spring, and if you want, Jesse will take you for a ride-- he will.

I don't really care for tradition. I mean, I like tradition in some senses, but I think there is a difference in taking part of a tradition because you want to, and taking part of a tradition because you feel like you should. For instance, I hate cooking--I make three dishes. So to have dinner ready and waiting for my husband at 5 o'clock, doesn't typically happen. I also don't like the idea of doing certain things, because it is expected of me, things like, baking a cake, ironing, sewing, or cutting my kids' hair, or what have you. Tradition is probably the wrong word to use--but, traditionally, the things I stated above, are tasks that the woman typically did ( in like 1960). I know many people who can cook, bake, sew, and cut hair, AND they do it good. I don't know if deep down I wish I could do these things, but, I have tried and I don't enjoy them, and I lack the skills needed to accomplish these tasks. When it comes to ironing, I ask, "Who needs to iron, when you can throw a wet sock in the dryer with the wrinkly clothes?" My mother-in-law can sew--and she is gifted--she made my wedding dress, now that would be an awesome thing to be able to do. I took a sewing class in high school when I was a senior, when graduation came, I was failing the class, thank God, Mrs. Demars was nice enough to let me come back to school for a whole two weeks after graduation, to finish a dress, that I never wore or showed to anyone.

Friends

Oh what a few couple of days I have had. Owen is sick. He is coughing constantly. I am in rough shape from not sleeping...I know, poor me. You know me, I need my sleep, or I function at a 7 year-old level.

I had a powerpoint presentation due last night. I had to have it completed and submitted before midnight, actually, before 2 am, since I am running on Phoenix time ( my school is in Phoenix). Poor Owen woke up as I was just finishing up the presentation, I was literally on the count down and needed to complete the assignment. Since O is sick he wanted to cuddle--I didn't even get an opportunity to give the presentation a final read through, before I gave into my baby's cries. I just pushed submit. I am curious what the grade I will be given is.

Tonight, no homework for me. Owen is already tucked in for the night. I am going to put Keyton and Hal to bed in little bit. I can't wait to making a running leap for my bed.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from a special friend. My friend Shelly called and we talked and talked and talked. Shelly and I became friends the summer before first grade. We were instantly inseparable. After high school, Shelly, left for college, I stayed in Williston for my first year of college and we would see each other and talk to each other as often as we could. As years went by, and I had my family, we stopped talking as much as we would like. However, Shell holds this special spot in my heart, and no one can ever replace it. I love her like family. I still think one day we will live next door to each other and play cards every evening.

Another friend that I love and adore is my friend Amber Dawn. She is actually traveling the world right now. She is like a zillion miles away--it kind of knocks the wind out of me when I think about how far away she is. Amber, has tried to call me a few times, but I keep missing her phone calls. Today, on facebook, she said she is going to de-friend me, since I don't answer my phone when she calls. Amber, my phone is by my side at all times now. Call me, again! I love you and miss you!! Amber and I also share an unique bond--even though we have lived hundreds of miles apart for some time, we still have the strongest connection. I can't wait to see where she ends up so I know where I will be visiting!

Wallets

Jesse is home--I guess he has been home for a couple of days, but I love it when he is home.

Jesse's parents leave to go back to Arizona early tomorrow morning. I know they are excited to get back to the weather, but I am going to miss them when they leave. They are so much fun, and anyone who knows my father-in-law Erv, knows that he is one of the funniest people on the planet. Not only is Erv funny, but he is also one of the most generous man I have ever known. He loves his grand children. Sue, (Jesse's mom) is also the best mother-in-law I could have ever gotten. I can't wait until they come back this spring!

The other day, I asked Hal what she wanted to be when she grew up, her answer,"Up, down, all around, what does it matter?" I am curious to see where she ends up as grown woman--although, I can't even imagine Hal all grown up. I guess I will have to move with her where ever she moves, because she really is my main source of entertainment.

On Saturday night the kids, Jesse and I were watching (on TV) the ceremony that took place after the ND boy's state hockey tournament. The guys who got second place were each handed little black plaques. Jesse and I over heard Keyton tell his sister and his little cousin, (Landon) that the boys were receiving wallets. Hal also chimed in and added, "Yeah, they are getting little black wallets." Seriously, the things kids say and think are fantastic. Wallets? Jesse did explain that what the boys were getting were little plaques not wallets. I guess they thought the plaques looked like Jesse's little black wallet, which at the time was funny---as I am writing this I see that this event is not nearly as funny as it was on Saturday night, however I am not going to delete, as I am tired and I don't feel like deleting.

McDonalds

It is only 7:30 pm, and Keyton is done with his reading and spelling homework--phew. Keyton has struggled with reading since, well, since he has started reading. I see Keyton's progress. He read me a book beyond what his supposed reading level is tonight. I ordered a few books from his last book order and he brought them home from school today. He read to me tonight, The Diary of a Worm. He read it ALL by himself--I actually had tears flowing down my face. Keyton is an amazing child and knowing that he struggles, with any aspect of his life, hurts. He was so proud of himself when he finished this book tonight. Keyton, I am proud of you, you work hard and I see your progress.

I started my first day of class today. It is fun communicating with my classmates via the internet. During this first week of class, as part of our participation, we are expected to post our "biographies". As I read my fellow classmates biographies, I picture what he or she might look like. While reading this one woman's biography I was thrown for a loop--this woman wrote that she has six children, whose ages range from 21 to 9, and last year she had a procedure done to reverse a tubal ligation (tubes tied) she had done a few years ago. She stated that she was in the midst of trying to conceive another child--for some reason I keep picturing a woman with long blond hair who wears glasses. I don't know why or how these images form in my head. I was surprised with the detail this woman gave in her biography, usually, people stick to the basics in their nursing life scenarios, like, how long they have been nurses, what type of nursing they do, and where they eventually would like to take their nursing careers. This woman (with the six children, who is trying to produce one more) is also a nurse manager on a nursing floor. I thought I was busy, I guess, I could be busier.

I watched my friend Heidi's other daughter today, Cambree. She is nine-months-old. For the first part of the morning Cambree looked terrified of me. I tried with all my power to make her smile--every time I said, "Hi", she burst into tears. Finally, she warmed up and we were friends, again.

Jesse will be home on Thursday. He said he had to fly across the country a few times today. I guess I will see where he is when he calls me tonight.

I went to McDonalds the other day, (it is one of the only places to take your kids in Williston) and there were some other mothers there, I got the feeling they were talking about me, as one of the women had her hands up, so you couldn't see her mouth moving (even though she was already whispering). I was having a paranoid type of day I guess. As mothers and women I think we try our hardest to be accepted and sometimes we aren't, which is okay. It really is okay. I try to treat others as I want to be treated, it is all I can do. When I was younger, I really struggled with not being accepted by people. I obsessed over someone not liking me. After I got sober, and was able to focus on what is important in life, I quit caring about what everyone thinks or has thought about me. I pushed all those times in high school and the many times in my early twenties out the window--the times when someone had somehow degraded me and the times when someone had said things to hurt me. Therefore, the other day I was surprised I had these paranoid thoughts--I guess at times, it is only human to wonder? When a person starts a treatment program (for whatever), one of the hardest obstacles to overcome is to be able to obtain self forgiveness. It takes a lot of time and effort to forgive yourself, with the choices and mistakes that were made while under the influence--but after you are able to get rid of the shame, life really gets wonderful. I don't think anyone can understand what I am talking about, unless they lived a life that wasn't the life they had meant to live. One of my counselors at the treatment center I went to, had us (on the first day we started treatment) write a letter to ourselves. In this letter we had to write where we wanted to see ourselves in one year from then, we addressed it, and then the counselor would send the letter to us one year later. I remember when I received that letter, I didn't remember what I had written at the time, but everything I had written was what I had. I had wanted to free myself from all guilt and shame that had been following me for years, I wanted to be able to hold my head high, I wanted to be the best mother I could be for my children....blah blah blah. It was an amazing feeling reading that letter realizing that all that I had written had come true. I wish the same sort of happiness on everyone and anyone who may be not be feeling the greatest. Life is what we make it, we do have control over our own happiness.

What did I do?

What did I do? I am having some serious anxiety about the decision I made to re-enroll into the BSN program. Yikes. Well, there is no turning back--I am going to truck through this program the same way I truck through everything--with a lot of coffee.

Today, I had one of my best friend's little girl over. Maycee is the same age as Halee and they love each other. They love each other so much, they fight like sisters (not that I would know how sisters fight, as I am not fortunate enough to have a sister, but I assume their fighting can be accurately compared to sisters fighting). The tattling is ridiculous. Hal will come up stairs and tell me " Maycee keeps looking at me with her eyes all funny" Maycee will tell me,"Hal keeps saying she is going to go to my house and put on my dad's shoes" the tattling is never ending. Today, I laid on the couch and every time someone came up to tattle, I covered my ears with pillows and pretended to be asleep. They fight and fight, but when it comes time for one of them to leave they throw fits, as they don't want to quit playing. It's exhausting really.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law are in town (from Arizona) for a week babysitting Jesse's sister's kids, as my sister-in-law and her husband are in Hawaii. We had dinner with them tonight, it was fun. I love having my in-laws in town.

Tomorrow night I might venture out of my house and go hang out with my brother Jacob for awhile. Jake and I have a good relationship; we have similar senses of humor and no one (besides Jesse) can make me laugh like Jake can. Last night, I called Jake to see what he was up too, he was watching the Oprah Winfrey Network while waiting for The Jersey Shore to start. He is such a "rough neck" it is hard to picture him watching the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Keyton is throwing cheese sticks at his sister so I am going to go take away the cheese stick and maybe eat it.

Mailbox

Today is what, Thursday? Yes, Thursday it is. On Tuesday, Keyton had a pizza party with his hockey teammates to cap off the season. I didn't go, I felt sick (bad headache). My friend, Tammy picked up Keyton and took him to the party ( her son also plays hockey). When she picked him up, I went outside to say good bye; after I said my good bye, I turned around and ran smack into the mailbox. I forgot to ask Tammy if she saw me run into my mailbox, (I pretended nothing happened) when I got back inside, and looked at my left hip there was a huge scrap. Yesterday, ( Wednesday) I was talking to my dear husband on the phone while I was cleaning up the house, I opened a closet door and this metal broom fell out of the closet and hit me smack in the nose--everything slowly started going dark, I thought for sure my nose was busted, I looked in the mirror and right on the top of my nose, smack dab in the middle, I had a half an inch cut--therefore yesterday, I suffered through another headache. Today I am happy to report I have not (as of yet) suffered any bodily harm.

Owen is sick, thank God my good friend works at a clinic and was able to get Owen in to see his doctor. Owen had to have one of those giant cue tips stuck way up into each of his nostrils. Owens facial expressions are a riot, after the nurse was done swabbing his nose, he said, "Owe.", and the look on his face, said, "What the?" His RSV test came back negative, and his blood work was good. Owen did have to get stitches a couple of weeks ago--I was pulling up his pants when he fell forward and hit the TV stand, cracking open his forehead. He had to have four stitches. Owen developmentally is progressing fine. He is 22 months. His vocab is limited to these four words, hot, bubble, ball, and owe.

I am thankful for my Keurig today. I am also thankful for Scentsy. Scentsy and Keurig combined is like heaven to me. Obviously, I have many different reasons to be thankful, but I thought I would give out a shout to my Keurig (a special coffee, tea, and hot chocolate making machine) and to Scentsy (which is a smelling system that makes my house smell good, right now my house smells like the beach, the sent I am burning is called skinny dippin).

There is no school tomorrow or on Monday and I am really happy my friend Heidi told me there is no school, or I would have taken Hal and Keyton--I have done that before in the past....poor Keyton.

Back to School

I am starting school (again) on Tuesday. I have an Associate Degree in Nursing, but I would like to get my Bachelor's Degree in Nursing. I wish I would have known that I wanted this degree--like seven-years ago.

When I was 20-years-old I found out I was pregnant. I was living at home with my mom, dad, and brother when I found out I was going to be a mother. I remember the day I found out I was expecting. I was too embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test, a good friend of mine, went to the store and purchased one for me. I took the test knowing that one line meant no baby, two lines meant baby. After taking the pregnancy test, I brought the test out of the bathroom and there was was one dramatic line and there was indeed a second line, although the second line was much lighter the first line. I remember saying to my friends, "Well, I can't be pregnant because there is only one dark line.", I remember my friends faces, which read "Um, yes, but there are TWO lines!" After I had a chance to take in this new life development, I went back to my parent's house where my mom was home sick. I sat on her bed, I told her I needed to tell her something, I went on and on, I actually made her think I was dying. I told her about the pregnancy test. I didn't however tell my father (my mom told him-- I was scared). I told Jesse the news, when we were out driving. I said," I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive." Jesse continued to drive, but suddenly the car was going really slow. He didn't say anything but, "Huh, oh, huh?" Anyways, it was a surprise that I found out I was pregnant. The last person who wanted to be pregnant on her 21st birthday was me. I remember sitting in a hotel room on my 21st birthday with a big belly, we were in Bismarck for my mom and grandam's teacher's convention. Looking back at that turn of events, I understand (now) that is was for the best--I mean technically the judge in Fargo ordered me not to drink for two years, which would have meant that I wasn't legally supposed to drink until I was 22. So, being the pregnant girl I was, I decided it was time to figure out my future--dah. I come from a long, long, long line of teachers-- it was obvious that teaching was what my future held. I decided to work at a school as a teacher's aide to get my foot in the door. I worked through out my pregnancy, which was not easy, the kids always asked me about the baby in my tummy, if I was married, and why I was so huge, Anyways, I had Keyton in January, right in the middle of the school year. After Keyton was born he had some complications, which required him to spend two weeks in the NICU in Fargo, ND. I remember sitting with my baby (who was 8 lbs and looked like a giant next to all those tiny preemies) and I was awe struck by the nurses. I actually remember sitting in the NICU's rocking chair, and I was hit by the notion that I was supposed to be a nurse. It is strange how clear this memory is to me. When Keyton was released from the hospital I decided to resign from my position at the school to stay home with my fragile baby. I enrolled in school that summer to start classes that would get me into the nursing program. I completed my classes with the best grades that I have ever gotten, and was excepted in to the nursing program. My last year in the LPN nursing program, I found out I was expecting Hal. I delivered Halee one week before my nursing finals. I worked as a LPN at a women's clinic for nine months. Jesse had gotten another job so we had to move. After we moved to Minnesota, I was excepted in to a RN program. That was no easy task, going back to school, again. In 2008, I graduated with my Associate degree in Nursing. I passed my boards ( that is a whole story in itself) soon after graduation I begun working as an RN at a hospital in Minneapolis. The week after I started work, I found out I was expecting Owen. I worked until I was put in the hospital. After the early arrival of Owen, I couldn't go back to work, at least for awhile. Owen spent two months in the NICU in Minnesota--soon after O was released from the hospital, the nurse manager from the unit I worked on, called and said that the floor I was working on was so slow that they didn't need me to come back...ever. So what did I do? I went back to school. I started an online program--which really kicked my butt, especially since Jesse had to take a different job, and had to be gone a lot more...I mean A LOT more. I had a new baby, a preschooler and kindergartner. A few months and five classes after I began my BSN program, it was clear that we needed to move back to Williston. I put my classes on hold, I mean really, there was no way I was going to keep my house clean for showings, while I was going to school and taking care of three children...no way.
So that leads me where I am today. I am back in school--again picking up where I left off. I hope that I actually can start working as a nurse again someday...like soon.

While this is post is boring...I needed to remind myself how I have gotten to where I am today. Who knows maybe one day, I will be like the queen of nurses.